I'm Not Myself

I don't feel like myself right now. In fact, I'm pretty darn miserable. I don't feel good, I'm depressed, and I just want to crawl under the covers and sleep for a few days.

I spent a fairly large sum of money on clothes yesterday for no good reason, except I'm desperate to feel good about myself.

I feel fat, ugly and miserable.

It's a good combination, doncha think?

I'm sure there are people out there that will agree that I'm all 3 of those things. And yes, I agree with you.

I've never been really good with self-esteem and my ego has taken a crushing blow, but it wasn't unexpected, because I can safely tell you that I never expected to get anywhere with that "Fishy" person. It doesn't change the fact that knowing for a fact that I won't get anywhere with that "Fishy" person doesn't rankle. And why? I can't really say why.

I mean this crush was almost like my others, but unlike Justin Hayward, John Lodge, Elvis Costello etc....this one was "real."

Damn. Why don't I just stick to the ones that aren't real? No that would be too easy.

And to be absolutely truthful, I can't really blame the "Fishy" entirely for this. He got dragged into the mess not actually by me but by that 3rd party that's conspicuously absent. Yeah, without the missing 3rd party, I probably would have just emailed him randomly over the months and I certainly never would have that stupid promo picture that I don't know where to hide now. Don't I have enough reminders of my own stupidity? Like an elephant I remember them all. I'm not only a dorkalope, I'm a fucktard dorkalope. PAH!

Anyhow...the events brought about by that third party conspired to make sure that my self esteem was in the crapper and likely it's going to stay there, because I can't think of a damn thing that will make me feel better, or to at least bring back the girl that didn't give a shit about what one guy...or any guy thought of her.

I thought things would get easier, but they aren't. I feel just as bad today as I did 2 weeks ago. I'm in a hole and I can't crawl my way out. I haven't a clue as to how to make myself better.