Monday, December 29, 2014

I'm a Sad Bunny

I saw an article about one of my school teachers who passed away a few weeks ago. She was a lovely lady who did much for the community, and her death was totally unexpected.

I felt a little jealousy when I read about the long lines at her visitation, because I wonder if there's anyone besides my immediate family who are crying for my father.

It is going on two months since dad passed away, and life isn't easier. It is more confusing and frustrating, and I don't know what to do and I feel like I have no one to talk to.

I feel so lost and alone and it hurts so much and I just want my daddy back.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Christmas Hits?

I love Christmas music. Everyone knows that. If the past 24 months hadn't been so awful, I would have had 2 more mix CDs done, or playlists or something.

This morning on GMA they were discussing why there weren't any big holiday hit songs, and there haven't been since Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You." That was in 1996,

Holiday songs are a tricky thing.

The problem is there are some beautiful and fun ones out there, they just aren't by artists that are really well known, or they aren't big enough ear worms. That's really the key. To be a holiday hit, the song has to be a huge ear worm. It doesn't matter if it is religious or full of sentimental references. (That was what was referenced in the segment) The important thing is that you want to sing it, ALL THE TIME!

That's why songs like "All I Want For Christmas Is You", "Wonderful Christmastime" and of course, "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" are huge during the holiday season. You hear them once, and you keep hearing them over and over again.

So why hasn't Katy Perry scored a huge holiday hit? I'm not sure, but I'm kind of glad it hasn't happened, because I still have "Roar" stuck in my head and really, that's painful enough.

If you don't love The Moody Blues' "Don't Need A Reindeer", there is something wrong with you! But that song wouldn't make the hit list, because the guys are older, and lets face it, you don't get much airplay after 40. Can anyone say age discrimination?

Oh and please tell people to stop remaking "Do They Know It's Christmas" and "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)." The remakes, even ones done by people that I love make my ears bleed.

Truth be told, we just want to hear our favorite holiday tunes this time of year. Well, except for White Christmas. I am so sick of that song, and everyone's desire to see snow on the holiday.

But I'm going to tell you the real reason why there hasn't been a huge holiday hit in nearly 20 years. It is because music is so disposable and even the big artists aren't quite as..erm..talented and out there as they were 20 years ago or more.

But for those looking for a good song for the winter months and Christmas here's Owl City's "Peppermint Winter"

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Christmas Baking

This is the hardest part of Christmas this year...the baking.

My dad always had a sweet tooth and once I took on the responsibility of cooking, I made his treats. The last few years, I made dozens of cookies, and they brought him so much joy.

This year, each cookie I take off the tray brings a tear to my eye, because he's not here to enjoy them.

Here are two of my offerings for the holiday

The peanut butter chocolate confetti bars are chilling in the fridge.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Getting Nowhere Fast

I am spinning wheels again.

I have next to nothing done for the holiday. I have food bought, but very little else. I'm halfway through with presents, but I still have quite a few things I need to buy.


I have no idea where we're even going to put it.

I need help and I'm still not getting it.

I didn't think it was possible to be more frustrated than I was prior to Nov 16, but I think I am.

I'm think I may just cancel Christmas this year. I just don't think that it is worth it.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Christmas Isn't Coming

I have no tree up.

I have no motivation to do it.

This weekend will mark one month since he's been gone.

I want to "keep" Christmas, but my heart isn't into it.

I know I should.

But I just can't seem to do it.

It hurts too much.

I can't stop crying. The stress has just transferred itself to different things, and truthfully, I'd rather be stressed out taking care of my father than being stressed out over all the things that I have to deal with now that he's gone.

Have I mentioned how empty and quiet our house is without him?

And its so hard when you have no one to talk to that understands. At least hospice has helped my mom, but they forgot that there were other caregivers for my dad, and our hearts are broken too, and we are all having trouble coping.

So really, it would be ok, if we skipped most of Christmas this year, right?

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Hump Day Hunks

Monday, December 08, 2014

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,

I hope wherever you are now, you have found peace.

I hope the images of WWII that tormented you so much in your last days are gone.

I hope that you can see it in your heart to forgive me for all the times I lost patience with you, because now it is those little things that make me miss you the most. I would give almost anything to put you on "the bucket" again or get you a waffle "those round things."

I long to sit on a hospital bed with my arm around you. Because, Daddy, oh my dear sweet Daddy, I love you so much. I don't think I've ever known such pain or emptiness in my heart.

I wish God would have seen fit to let you wake up one last time before he took you from us, just so I would have known that you heard me say, "I love you."

I wish I hadn't wanted to do things so much when you were still with us, even though I never did them. I wanted such stupid things, like a trip to the mall or to a restaurant. I don't want those anymore. All I want, is something that I can't have. You. 

I wish the house wasn't so empty and quiet. Even in your sickness, you filled it with life. Oh Daddy, my Daddy. It is so hard to go on without you.



Thursday, December 04, 2014

What Happened To Mourning?

This world moves by at such a crazy pace that people seem to think you should finish grieving in a few short weeks.

My dad died on Nov 16th and that wound is still fresh.

If I could wear black everyday, I would.

What I don't understand are the people that say, "Well, you're moving on with your life now, right?"



In fact, right now, my life feels like it is at a total stand still. I don't know what to do with myself.  I spent the last 6 years taking care of my dad, though his health wasn't always bad in that time period. I went to the doctor with him, I stayed at the hospital with him, I knew what was going on.

That's gone, and I feel like I'm floating off to sea. I'm adrift, with no purpose at all.

The worst part is that all the little things that annoyed the hell out of me before, are what I miss the most right now.

My life is empty and its going to take more than a few weeks to make the pain go away. Anyone that thinks it should just disappear, has obviously never loved someone.

Wednesday, December 03, 2014

Hump Day Hunks

Sometimes you need pretty things to make you less depressed. Right now I need a lot of pretty things

Here are a few of my favorite things

I've been tripping out of old episodes of The Nanny on TVLand at 5 am. Charles Shaughnessy is still gorgeous. Heck Fran is too.

Benedict Cumberbatch....le sigh...and I'm still not sure why.

The world needs more Tom Hiddleston in it.

Tuesday, December 02, 2014

Stop Being Offended

It is that time of year again, when all you see is "Keep Christ in Christmas" and a whole lot of bruhaha over "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays."

People need to get a grip.

If someone says "Happy Holidays" they don't know if you celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah. It isn't supposed to be offensive, it is supposed to be all inclusive.

And if you really want to "Keep Christ in Christmas" start acting like Christians, and be more kind and giving to the poor and needy, rather than spending thousands on iPhones and TVs and other gadgets.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I'm not saying that getting nice presents is bad. I like a great gift as much as everyone else, but excess is not what Christmas is about. Oh and most of the stuff everyone enjoys about Christmas is more rooted in pagan-ism than Christianity.

Christmas should be more about family, then stuff anyway.

This shouldn't be a season that is as chaotic as it is. I've often wondered why we have holidays where we spend more time preparing then actually enjoying.

Like Thanksgiving.

You spend hours in the kitchen cooking a meal that you only enjoy for maybe an hour tops. The cook is usually exhausted when the last dish is done too.

But that's another rant all together.

Now stop being offended by everything and enjoy the next 30 days no matter what you celebrate, and be thankful for those that love you and raise a glass to those you love that aren't there anymore.

Monday, December 01, 2014

Big Sigh

I did the hardest thing. I started to go through my dad's clothes.

He had quite a tie collection.  None of which are going to Goodwill. There are 3 huge bags of clothes going there, but not the ties.

The ties have sentimental value, and I will give a few of them to my brother and nephews. I bought a bunch of them for him, back in my retail days.

He has some great novelty ties too. There's a few Home Improvement ties, Looney Toons (Marvin Martian!), Heinz, Coke....etc..

We always wanted him to look snazzy, and I enjoyed finding clothes for him.

I hate getting rid of stuff like this. I said the same thing when my grandmother died back in 2008. It feels like I'm throwing him away and my dad's life isn't one that should be cast aside.
He was a good father, husband and friend and casting aside things that were a part of his life feels so wrong.