I'm Depressed

I was feeling  more than a little blue today.

I miss my Dewey.

I know there are other kitties in my house that need love, and I love them all so much, but the loss of my Dewey hurts more than I thought.

I mean, this hurts like losing a family member. She was my baby. I fell in love with this little ball of fluff from the moment she wandered into my yard.

Then as I was leaving work, Tom Petty's The Waiting was on the radio.

I thought David Bowie's death hurt, but dammit, Tom Petty's death is much more painful. I think he was one of the artists I listened to when I was barely old enough to care about music. Tom Petty, The Beatles and The Monkees.

I still feel like part of my life has been torn away.

Today everything felt a little more heavy on my heart.

Wednesday Already

We're to the halfway point in the week and I can't be happier. I've been having a lousy time sleeping and the closer I get to the weekend means the better chance I have to catch up on the sleep I missed. Mostly because, Yay, weekend, I have nothing to do, except watch TV.

That's always a plus.

Its hard to keep a positive outlook when you are worried about pap smear results that were off, especially when it was the first one you had in your life.

I just want the next month to be over quickly, because I'm sick of worrying about my health. I'm sick of worrying about everything.

I'm just not in a happy mood right now, and I can't see that changing anytime soon, and I wish it would.

That said, I have nothing more to say today, except I'm worried and depressed.

Tomorrow Is My Physical

I'm so damned scared of going to the doctor that its crazy. I've worked myself into a tizzy. I don't stay online much because its not fun for me anymore. I'm hoping my doctor can help me sort out my head which has totally taken control in a not so nice way.

I just can't handle things anymore and everything is scaring me. Most of you know that the floaters bother me to no end. They still do, and I know that I should be coping with them better. I just can't. I just keep thinking what if they get worse, how will I deal with that. Then there are so many other things.

I feel stifled. I haven't been to the gym since my fall simply because I'm scared to go, because I don't want to hurt myself.

Yes, this makes no sense. I know that. But it doesn't stop my mind from going off on these tangents. I don't like being alone right now, which makes my job terrible as 99.9% of the time I'm there by myself, ok with a dog.

Just forgive me for not being myself. I'm hoping tomorrow the doc can give me some advice of who to talk to or whatnot to make me start to feel better.