Things That Make Me Think Of You

It doesn't matter how long it has been since Mom, Dad and Gran have been gone, there are certain things that will always make me think of them.

For Daddy...

Eggo Waffles (I could not walk down the freezer breakfast aisle in the grocery store for a very long time without tearing up at the sight of the round things)

Corn Curls (I was snacking on these today and thought of how much Daddy loved this snack)

Boost: Every damn time I see an ad for these awful drinks I cry.

Cookies: That blue Sesame Street character couldn't hold a candle to him. In the last year of his life I couldn't make or buy enough cookies to make him happy.

Mexican and Chinese Food: He loved all things Mexican and OMG how he loved Sweet and Sour Chicken.

OK but food isn't the only thing that makes me think of my daddy.

Being stuck at an intersection when someone is turning left...I can always hear his voice calling those people "Left hand turn artists."

Driving up 5th St hill.. again his voice..."Comin' up the hill with this ole will."

For Mommy...

Celtic Music... I will never ever ever listen to Place in the Choir or Rattlin' Bog without cryin'. I just can't.

Lead Me, Guide Me: My mama and daddy's favorite hymn. Again...can't listen to it without crying.

Mary, Mother Of The Church. I have such mixed feelings about our church...I find myself crying every time I walk in the building. My mama worked so hard when she could for that parish..and they forgot about her when she was sick...just as our priest at the time, failed my dad. Still when I see the church, I can feel their great love for God there and I can remember all the good times that were associated with the work they did.

Nut roll: The holidays aren't the same without them.

You'll Never Walk Alone: Someone was singing that song on Ed Sullivan this morning on Decades..and I could almost hear mommy singing it (badly)

Longwood Gardens and Phipps Conservatory: These are places I'll always associate with mommy. She loved going there so much...the same with Lancaster and Erie..

Presque Isle: When I was a baby, they stuck a spoon in a tree there, when changing my diaper...it was still there the last time we checked!

Grandma

Wheat Pennies!!  My gran was a coin collector! Oh and 2 dollar bills!

The Laundry...Honestly when we did the laundry together on her old ringer washer, I didn't hate it. I enjoyed the time we had together.

Christmas Eve...I will never forget dinner at her house and looking out the living room window for Santa with my nieces. Even when that dinner moved to my parents house and then mine..her traditions followed.

As John Lennon wrote..

All these places had their moments

With lovers and friends, I still can recall

Some are dead, and some are living

In my life, I've loved them 

Missing Mama

You have no idea how much I miss my mom.

There's so much I want to tell her. To talk to her about.

I want to tell her about all the recipes I've tried.

The things going on in my life.

About my job at Lowes.

I know if there's a heaven, she knows, but my faith is easily shaken these days. This world doesn't make it easy to have faith.

I used to feel my father's presence in my home, but when mom passed, he went with her.

I found myself thinking today of when they told us she was dying. My sister and I stayed at the hospital and I just kept repeating "I love you." over and over and over. I think she wanted to bop me, but I have always had the fear that the people I've loved the most didn't know how much they were loved, be it my mom, my dad or my grandmother.

I can still hear my own scream when I went to my gram's house and found her gone. It was probably the worst day of my life, because even at 101, she was spunky.

I know I'm depressed.

I know I have to move on, and I'm doing it, but there's such a huge hole in my life where she once was.

Happy Mother's Day

 To all the mother's out there,  I wish you a good day.

My two ladies are both gone.

Mama, and grandmama, I love you so much. I've said it so many times.

If only there could be one more day. I would make sure you both knew how much love I have for you. Mama, I know you knew it...Grandma I know you did too, but I always feel bad that life kept me from you so much.

There is never ever enough time

I'm Plagued By Dreams

Any time I have a dream I can remember one of my parents were in it in some way or another. Last night I dreamed that my nephew, Michael, found a photo collage of mommy and I, meeting Michael Crawford. You know, the hunky guy that played Phantom?

Needless to say, that wasn't a real thing, but I could see those photos in my head, like they really existed. I could see mommy and I standing with Michael. Again, it never happened, but I think there was a time when we both wished it would have.

At least part of me knows why my head is coming up with these things. Yesterday I was desperate to listen to music, but as I went to Youtube to find something, because I don't keep much music on my computer anymore, all I could find were videos of artists mommy and I listened to on Pandora and I ❤ Radio in her last year.  I just can't listen to that anymore, as much as I love it. It makes me cry, and I am so sick of crying. I do it most every day for some reason or another relating back to mommy.

I miss her so very much.

Another Weird Dream

Last week I had several dreams with my daddy in them. They all revolved around the car and buying the car.

I dreamed about my mother last night. We were walking down 5th ST hill in my town, something she hadn't done in years. We talked about her illness and she knew she was dying. I asked if she wanted to go to the hospital as we walked, and she said no.

I told her, I wasn't going to leave her. I wouldn't let go. Not this time. I wouldn't do it.

See back in Oct, I went to work on the day she passed and I didn't make it home. She was gone before I could get there.

My heart hurts so much because of this.  Yet, my mom was gone that morning, before I said goodbye for work.  I know it, but I will forever feel guilty about going in that day, when I could have held her hand and kept telling her how much I love her.

I could never tell her I loved her enough. She was the most important person in my life...and now she's gone.

More Than Just A Housewife, More Than Just A Mother

I read an article on Glenn Close's speech from the Golden Globe Awards last night and she said something that made me think of my mother.

OK, I think about my mother a lot, but that's beside the point.

In Glenn's speech she recalled that her mother felt that she sublimated herself to her husband and that in her 80s she felt she hadn't accomplished something.

Well, my mother, who was in her 80s, accomplished much. Perhaps not great things that amass wealth, or things that will be written down in history books or any book, but my mother did things. She made a difference in people's lives. She accomplished things. I truly believe she knew she had a full life in her 84 years.

When she decided she wanted to be a girl scout leader, she'd tell people she always wanted to be a teacher.

That may have been the case, but like many young women growing up in the 1950s, she wanted one thing, and that was to have a husband. I can recall her telling me, she was glad she met my father, because she wasn't really enjoying college.

So she chose the role of the housewife, but she also found ways do the things she wanted to do, and perhaps part of that was because of the man she married.

See, my father wasn't the typical alpha male, though he could be, when he wanted to be. He was a help mate. He brought home the bacon, so to speak, but he would help with the dishes, and in later years, he did the shopping and other chores too. He was a good man. Yes, he was in the generation that wanted their wife home, with a meal on the table when he came home from work, but he let my mom spread her wings, even if it were to be a scout leader and later a CCD teacher. There was grumbling, to be sure, but he let her do it nonetheless.

So though she wasn't a school teacher, my mother touched the lives of countless children she taught or had the care of over the years, and as she found herself in the hospital more often, she learned that when some of her Brownies or CCD students remembered her years later.

She did what she wanted, though she got there in a round about way.

I loved hearing her stories, though in her last months she shared a little too much about her personal life with my dad. She was definitely more than the mother I saw her to be and the world is a dimmer place without her light shining in it.

Yes, Emma Jane Guy accomplished much!

I Am Mad At Mommy

Is it wrong of me to be mad at my mother, even though she's been gone almost two months now?

I'm mad because I'm going to be working two jobs, not because I want to, but because I have to.

I've said before, I would never have changed what I did for her, daddy or grandma. I love them all with every fiber of my being. There weren't opportunities at the time that would have taken me away from them, and truth be told, I didn't go looking.

I am mad that we didn't start trying to get more stuff in order before it came to this. That I didn't have the chance to get on the budget plan for my gas bill.

I guess this is just beating a dead horse, and lordy that sounds awful considering, but I would have liked to have been better prepared for what I'm dealing with right now.

I'm doing my best to make a go of it on my own, but its scary and I don't have many people I can turn to for help.

They Are Both Gone

Now I know most of you will think I'm crazy when I say this, but I don't care. I have always felt my father's presence in my home.

I would be down in the basement and I'd swear I'd hear someone calling me. Or I would be in the kitchen, cooking supper or hunting down food.

Or something wouldn't be working and all of a sudden, it was back to normal. (I'm looking at you bathtub drain)

Since mommy passed, that feeling that Daddy was in my home watching over me is mostly gone. He stayed a little bit, or maybe he popped back to check on me once or twice very early on, but it doesn't feel like he's there anymore.

Mama left and she took daddy with her. Wherever they are, I know they are both together, and she had waited 4 long years to have him again.

I know as much as my mama wanted to stay with all of us, she missed daddy more than anything. Whenever the song "I Know I'll Never Find Another You" by The Searchers would come on The Ed Sullivan Show or on Pandora, she would cry, because she knew there was only daddy for her. Yes, she had loves in her life before she met him, but Daddy was her one true love. A love that romance novels were made of.  60 + years of marriage.  Ups and downs always along the way, but always love.  Love that most of us can't dream of having, because people just aren't programmed the way they were in the time they grew up.

I wish I could feel them both one more time and know that they were there, in my house...my house, that I bought to keep my mama safe and warm, when I couldn't do that in our old home, the home I grew up in and loved, even though it was falling apart. I wish I could feel their comforting presence.

Yes, I believe in ghosts, maybe not in the way you see on TV or in books. I know Daddy went to heaven, but I also know he was with mommy every step of the way, until she could be back with him.

I hope they are waiting for me.

Making It Through The Weekend

This past weekend was hard.

Friday would have been mom's 85th birthday. I made her, her favorite pineapple angel food cake, because I just didn't know what to do..

My brother was home to help with the house a bit. We got the furniture cleaned and I did some scrubbing work on the bathtub. Never ever use a brown shower mat in a white tub. I finally have a mostly white tub again. YAY!

I did some retail therapy yesterday because saying at home was too much for me.

I bought this cute little bird with glasses. I've named him Simon and some tree ornaments, though lord knows I really don't need them. I just needed to do something. I did get some grocery shopping done with things for Christmas bought...like candy, flour and sugar etc for cookies. I also got a few tops at Goodwill. I wish I could find pants somewhere on the cheap. I hate being short and dumpy. I also hate it being cold, so that exercise is just not fun in the outdoors, which is where I like to exercise. I like walking..but anyway..thanks to my brother and some retail therapy. I survived. I still miss mommy desperately, but I survived

Things I Got From My Mother

Its nearly Thanksgiving and though I'd be more thankful if I had my mother with me for this day, I am thankful for the things she gave me over the years.

I'm thankful for all the love she gave me, even when I probably didn't deserve it.

I am thankful for all the help she gave me when I fucked up royally and I did that often, even if helping me fucked up her life too.

I am thankful for her giving me her love of cooking.

I am thankful for her giving me her love of beauty, like the flowers at Phipps Conservatory and Longwood Gardens.

I am even thankful I got her "worry" gene, because that means I care deeply about things.

I am thankful that she taught me that family is important, and that you need them, even if you have to bite your tongue sometimes.

I am thankful she taught me the love of holidays, even those summer ones that I hate cooking for.

The only thing she didn't give me was the ability to live without her, and I really don't know how to do that.

I miss her so much.

I've Been Away

I think most people close to me know why I haven't been blogging.

On Wednesday, Oct 24 around about 1 o'clock, my world collapsed.

My mother passed away.

There is nothing that can be done to make me feel any better or make me want to go on with my life. I don't know how to live without her. I've spent my life with her, 44 years, just 20 shy of how long she was married to my father.

She was my life.

I took care of her and daddy and grandma, and now I have no one and it isn't easy. Everything, and I do mean everything makes me sad.

And like when my father passed away, she was taken from us close to the holidays. It will be 4 years since my dad died on Nov 16. Though I know she wanted to be with him, none of us were ready for this, even though we knew it was coming.

All I can say is that my heart is shattered.

Mom's Birthday Cake

Mom would have been ok with a Pepperidge Farm cake, but I found one of her old cookbooks and there was a fabulous recipe for a Mandarin Orange Cake..

Isn't it stunning.

It was also very simple

In Case You Wondered

Mom spent the last 3.5 days in the hospital.

The reason?

Possibly mini-stroke.

They can't be sure, but they do know that she has blockages in her carotid arteries, but because of her age and heart condition, etc. nothing can be done.

So...I've essentially got a mother that is a ticking time bomb in my house.

I'm 42....I'm not ready to be an orphan

I've vanished again

Mom's heart has been acting up again.

She's been having a lot of issues on Saturday mornings which is making getting the laundry done a bit of a challenge.

Why?

Yes, I own a home.

No I don't have a washer dryer, because I don't have the money to rewire my basement and then buy two new machines.

So yeah, once a week, I trek down to the local laundromat and wash my clothes.  I'm actually kind of thankful for it, because washing and drying the four loads would probably take longer to do at home than the 2 hours it takes me when I go to the laundromat.

The only problem is there are certain times of the day when you just don't want to be there.

You know when the people that only do the laundry once a month are there and you can't get a washer or a dryer.

And today she had another spell...

Oye..

Not one that landed her in the ER...but one that kept me house bound until this afternoon.

Doing the laundry at 3:30 PM is not fun, especially when there is a greedy woman hogging all the high capacity washers.

Grrr

Ending The Year With A Bang

Mom is back in the hospital.

She's getting to be like dad now. Every few months she has a spell.

She's got 1 functioning kidney which is only going at 25%

We've got her on restricted fluids.

I don't even know what I can feed her. Everything seems to work against her and yet we still want her to get nourishment.

It is beyond frustrating.

I'm not ready to be an orphan, because I need her too much. I know that I'm 42 years old and I should have things together, but I don't.

Mom is my rock.

I don't know what I'll do without her, and frankly right now I'm terrified, for my own selfish reasons. I'm just glad she's stable and dialysis hasn't been brought up yet.

So Much For The 30 Days Of Blogging

Tuesday night mom had a CHF spell and that just sent me into a tail spin. I don't know how I managed to get Thanksgiving done.

It sure as hell wasn't easy.

I'm still so tired from all the running and work I did in the last few days.

I just hope this is the last time for a long while that I have to deal with hospital stuff. I'm getting too old for this.

Quick Update

I've spent most of the day in Jefferson Hospital with mom and my sister.

The surgery was done almost an hour late, but all went well and that's all that matters.

So now we can breathe a sigh of relief and take a nice long nap.

YAY!

Where Have I Been?

If you aren't on Facebook with me, you might wonder where I've been hiding?

Well last Saturday morning, mom got rushed to the hospital with a bout of congestive heart failure and a touch of pneumonia.

I also made an offer on a house.

So, in short, I've been a bundle of nerves for the last few days and nothing can calm me down. I still haven't heard anything back about the house, so needless to say, I'm on pins and needles, because, this is the house. THE HOUSE people. The house of my dreams. (And honest, I don't dream very big)

Mom is home now too, but not 100%. We all feel the hospital saw her name and decided to toss her out, lest she become a serial hospital patient like my dad was. Either way, no one, including my mom was very happy with that decision.

Let's keep our fingers crossed that her health returns a bit to her, because I don't know how much more I can take.

Oh and it is also 5 months now that dad's been gone.

Life Update

I think I can safely say that life sucks. It sucks a lot.

Mom is in the hospital this time.

The blood thinners that they have her on are giving her a GI bleed and causing lots of problems.

They are considering the dreaded colonoscopy and I'm considering a few weeks on the mental health floor of the same hospital.

I was at the hospital from 9:30 last night until somewhere close to 3 in the morning and I was awake by 6 so I could beg off work, because my dad wasn't feeling well either.

I can't win for losing.

So if my blogging becomes more scarce in the next few days, know that it is just getting too overwhelming to blog.

Let Me Tell You About My Day

Mom was set for discharge at 5:30 today. That way I wouldn't have any issues with work. I could work a full day. As I'm driving to work the social worker calls to tell me that they need the bed and could she come home early.

So much for working a full day today!

Mom still isn't strong and her meds have all been rearranged. This does not make me a happy camper. Doing her pills from now on is going to be stressful. Plus I have to schedule a doctor's appointment for her in 10 days. ARGH!

Then at some point my cell phone's charger port dies, therefore making my smartphone useless. I headed to Verizon only to be told there was nothing they could do. Thank god I still had my old LG enV, so  I have a phone, but all my apps and photos are gone because the USB connector died. Tomorrow I swear I'm going to drop that phone out of the window so it shatters into a million pieces on the pavement.

On a happy note, I got the new Zac Brown Band CD and a wonderful iced coffee at Starbucks. It really is the little things in life that make me happy.

Oh and I read a really great historical novel about Princess Louise of England, The Wild Princess. If that is your thing, this is definitely a great read. Good historical detail mixed with fiction.