Wednesday, January 09, 2019

Music Hurts

I remember when music was the thing that kept me going. I still have CDs piling up, though I haven't bought much new music lately.

But when I put music on, I think of my mama, and the music on Pandora that we used to sing together, whether it was music that she loved back in the day or the songs I loved.

Now it all makes me want to cry.

I can't listen to anything.

All the music that I loved hurts me now.

I keep telling myself that things aren't as bad as I thought they might be, but its so damn hard. Everything makes me think of mama, and I miss her so badly.

I just want to find some joy somewhere, something to make me feel like its worth going on.

Monday, January 07, 2019

More Than Just A Housewife, More Than Just A Mother


I read an article on Glenn Close's speech from the Golden Globe Awards last night and she said something that made me think of my mother.

OK, I think about my mother a lot, but that's beside the point.

In Glenn's speech she recalled that her mother felt that she sublimated herself to her husband and that in her 80s she felt she hadn't accomplished something.

Well, my mother, who was in her 80s, accomplished much. Perhaps not great things that amass wealth, or things that will be written down in history books or any book, but my mother did things. She made a difference in people's lives. She accomplished things. I truly believe she knew she had a full life in her 84 years.

When she decided she wanted to be a girl scout leader, she'd tell people she always wanted to be a teacher.

That may have been the case, but like many young women growing up in the 1950s, she wanted one thing, and that was to have a husband. I can recall her telling me, she was glad she met my father, because she wasn't really enjoying college.

So she chose the role of the housewife, but she also found ways do the things she wanted to do, and perhaps part of that was because of the man she married.

See, my father wasn't the typical alpha male, though he could be, when he wanted to be. He was a help mate. He brought home the bacon, so to speak, but he would help with the dishes, and in later years, he did the shopping and other chores too. He was a good man. Yes, he was in the generation that wanted their wife home, with a meal on the table when he came home from work, but he let my mom spread her wings, even if it were to be a scout leader and later a CCD teacher. There was grumbling, to be sure, but he let her do it nonetheless.

So though she wasn't a school teacher, my mother touched the lives of countless children she taught or had the care of over the years, and as she found herself in the hospital more often, she learned that when some of her Brownies or CCD students remembered her years later.

She did what she wanted, though she got there in a round about way.

I loved hearing her stories, though in her last months she shared a little too much about her personal life with my dad. She was definitely more than the mother I saw her to be and the world is a dimmer place without her light shining in it.

Yes, Emma Jane Guy accomplished much!

Saturday, January 05, 2019

Redecorating?

No don't be judgy that I still have my tree up. I'm feeling a little blue about taking it down for one big reason.

I don't know what I can put in the spot that the tree is in.

My small couch used to be in that spot, until the hospital bed was taken out.

I don't want to think about that.

I just want to think about the fact that my living room is going to be very empty right now.

I have limited funds for the time being, but I'm looking for suggestions. I want the Christmas tree to occupy this spot every year for now on.

Please help?

Tuesday, January 01, 2019

Happy New Year!

2019 is upon us and really it can't be any worse than 2018

I don't usually do resolutions, but this year is really about a whole new chapter in my life, not a chapter I wanted, mind you, but one that I was forced to face.

This year, I want to do the following things:

1. I want use my camera more.

2. I want to make at least one small improvement to my house.

3. I want to see the places that I haven't been able to see in the last 8 years when I couldn't get away from my house.

4. I want to embrace my life, even though its damn hard living without my mama.

Friday, December 21, 2018

So I've Got A Planner

I do a lot of book tours these days. And keeping a spreadsheet was just not working for me, so I bought myself a cheap day planner at Dollar General to see if I can make this work.

Mostly its for writing down the book tours that I take part of, over on my other blog.

I imagine now I'll also use it for my work schedule too.

I can't believe how much fancy planners cost.

Its essentially a fancy calendar with stickers.

I just don't have a life that ever needed planning. I'm still not sure that I do, but hey, it makes me feel a little bit important.

Oh and I might start to remember birthdays!

Monday, December 17, 2018

I Am Mad At Mommy

Is it wrong of me to be mad at my mother, even though she's been gone almost two months now?

I'm mad because I'm going to be working two jobs, not because I want to, but because I have to.

I've said before, I would never have changed what I did for her, daddy or grandma. I love them all with every fiber of my being. There weren't opportunities at the time that would have taken me away from them, and truth be told, I didn't go looking.

I am mad that we didn't start trying to get more stuff in order before it came to this. That I didn't have the chance to get on the budget plan for my gas bill.

I guess this is just beating a dead horse, and lordy that sounds awful considering, but I would have liked to have been better prepared for what I'm dealing with right now.

I'm doing my best to make a go of it on my own, but its scary and I don't have many people I can turn to for help.

Friday, December 14, 2018

Memories

A Facebook post about a Christmas children's book got me thinking of my childhood and books and forts.

Yeah forts.

When I was little, I was always building things with books. My Little Golden Books made many a castle in our living room.

Now don't worry, I still read them. In fact, I've done my best to hunt down copies of some of my more loved books. I refused to give them away to anyone, especially my Richard Scarry books. Those were always my favorite.

I didn't always build things out of books though. I remember one of the years when my mom was a Girl Scout leader and all the boxes of cookies were in the living room.

Oh yes, I arranged them into a castle.

I hated when they had to be broken down and the cookies distributed, because that castle was a great place to hide.

I wish I could build one now and hide from the world.

Those were simpler times

Thursday, December 13, 2018

They Are Both Gone

Now I know most of you will think I'm crazy when I say this, but I don't care. I have always felt my father's presence in my home.

I would be down in the basement and I'd swear I'd hear someone calling me. Or I would be in the kitchen, cooking supper or hunting down food.

Or something wouldn't be working and all of a sudden, it was back to normal. (I'm looking at you bathtub drain)

Since mommy passed, that feeling that Daddy was in my home watching over me is mostly gone. He stayed a little bit, or maybe he popped back to check on me once or twice very early on, but it doesn't feel like he's there anymore.

Mama left and she took daddy with her. Wherever they are, I know they are both together, and she had waited 4 long years to have him again.

I know as much as my mama wanted to stay with all of us, she missed daddy more than anything. Whenever the song "I Know I'll Never Find Another You" by The Searchers would come on The Ed Sullivan Show or on Pandora, she would cry, because she knew there was only daddy for her. Yes, she had loves in her life before she met him, but Daddy was her one true love. A love that romance novels were made of.  60 + years of marriage.  Ups and downs always along the way, but always love.  Love that most of us can't dream of having, because people just aren't programmed the way they were in the time they grew up.

I wish I could feel them both one more time and know that they were there, in my house...my house, that I bought to keep my mama safe and warm, when I couldn't do that in our old home, the home I grew up in and loved, even though it was falling apart. I wish I could feel their comforting presence.

Yes, I believe in ghosts, maybe not in the way you see on TV or in books. I know Daddy went to heaven, but I also know he was with mommy every step of the way, until she could be back with him.

I hope they are waiting for me.

Monday, December 10, 2018

Making It Through The Weekend

This past weekend was hard.

Friday would have been mom's 85th birthday. I made her, her favorite pineapple angel food cake, because I just didn't know what to do..

My brother was home to help with the house a bit. We got the furniture cleaned and I did some scrubbing work on the bathtub. Never ever use a brown shower mat in a white tub. I finally have a mostly white tub again. YAY!

I did some retail therapy yesterday because saying at home was too much for me.


I bought this cute little bird with glasses. I've named him Simon and some tree ornaments, though lord knows I really don't need them. I just needed to do something. I did get some grocery shopping done with things for Christmas bought...like candy, flour and sugar etc for cookies. I also got a few tops at Goodwill. I wish I could find pants somewhere on the cheap. I hate being short and dumpy. I also hate it being cold, so that exercise is just not fun in the outdoors, which is where I like to exercise. I like walking..but anyway..thanks to my brother and some retail therapy. I survived. I still miss mommy desperately, but I survived