Monday, September 14, 2020

I Need A Pick Me Up

 So I got bad news at the dentist.

I'll be going sometime in Oct for some extractions. Of course they are the kind that require surgical removal.

I know more are bad and I'm feeling totally depressed about it.

I spent so much of my life taking care of people and not myself.

Now I'm falling apart and sad and I just don't know what to do.

I have a friend recommending permanent dentures. How in the heck can a person afford $40,000 for dentures?

I'm going to be fearful of someday paying a grand or two for them?

I'm only 46.

This makes me feel old and ugly. 

No mind you it's not all of my teeth coming out now, just 3 or 4. (and one of them is a wisdom tooth that is taking the molar with it in solidarity) But it just makes me feel awful.

I also know there's not really anything I can do to save the other teeth, because I have periodontal disease :(

I'm just feeling very depressed and unloved today

Wednesday, September 02, 2020

Reasons Why I'm Bad At Blogging

I'm a bad bad blogger.

However, too much work, makes it really hard to blog.

Here are some other reasons I suck at blogging now.

1. The news is too depressing to comment on.

2. The pandemic is making life really boring.

3. There is no interesting new music or tv.

4. Artist I love are making bad albums right now. Looks at Erasure and Elvis Costello in anger.

5. I'm having a horrible time concentrating on reading.

And lastly

6. STRESS


Monday, August 10, 2020

With The Happy There Comes The Sad

I'm really down in the dumps. Trips away usually do that to me. I don't know why. Whenever I was a little girl and we'd go on family vacations to Erie or Lancaster, I'd spend a lot of the drive home crying, even though by the time I was about an hour from home, I was anxious to get there and back to the familiar.

That's how I feel right now.

I went to my brother's Friday and Saturday. I haven't done an overnight anywhere in over 10 years. It was a lovely night. I played with his cats. I watched bad tv. We ate good food, and I saw Gorge Metro Park in Akron and we went to a gorgeous winery that isn't too far from his home.




If you are ever in Canton, OH, make a point to visit the Gervasi Winery, it is worth it. The food is superb on the Piazza and if its slushie season, get a Fromanza! It will leave you with the warm fuzzies.






But now I'm home and I have that feeling of dissatisfaction again. I want things I can't have. I feel bad about myself because I saw pictures of myself and I'm old, fat and ugly. The feeling fat and ugly started at the winery because everyone was there in their pretty sundresses and I haven't had any pretty clothes in years. I miss pretty clothes and places to wear them.

I miss the calm I had before my mother passed. I'm more anxious now than I ever was, because everything is bottled up now. I have no one to talk me down when the anxiety hits hard. There is no one that understands anymore.

I have a waiting for the other shoe to drop mentality that won't go away, even when things aren't going wrong.

Some days are better than others.

I just wish I could learn to calm down.

Thursday, July 30, 2020

July In Review

Apparently I vanished this month. I'm not sure why. I'm mostly guessing work. Nothing much going on..and general blerghyness.

In recap..

Have some photos from my July adventures










Wednesday, July 01, 2020

Happy July

We made it halfway through the year.

Woo hoo!

My birthday is tomorrow. The 2nd I'll be spending without my mama.

I don't want things to be too bittersweet.

I have so many regrets.

My last b-day with her, was spent without her.

She sent me shopping and to eat a quiet dinner by myself.

I never knew how sad that blissful day of peace would bring me later, when she was gone and there would be no more birthdays with her.

But I'm not going to be sad.

I'm going to enjoy my day tomorrow, as much as I can, seeing covered bridges in Somerset and Bedford county.

I think that's what she would want.

Friday, June 26, 2020

I Need To Rewire My Brain

Since my mom passed away I've become hyper vigilant about money.

I wish I could explain.

I always worry there won't be enough for when something goes wrong. (Because it always will.)

My credit cards seldom carry a balance, unless I have a financing option for a big ticket item.

I don't buy frivolous things...well except maybe skincare stuff, which I am addicted too.

The problem is when I want to buy something for me that's a larger ticket item, that isn't about my house, I feel guilty spending the money.

I really really want a new camera, but since I don't know what my house is going to cost me, above and beyond my payment from Allstate, I don't want to buy one, because I don't want debt.

Responsible?

Yes.

Sad?

Yes.

But somehow I have to figure out a way to let myself have some things that benefit just me and not the household in general.

I don't know how to get around this though.

Sunday, June 21, 2020

Happy Father's Day

Though he's not here, I wish my daddy a happy father's day in heaven.

Today everyone is telling us why there dad is the best dad they could have, so I'll be no different.

He took care of us all, or tried, even as his health was failing.

This was the man that sat in the gyne's office with me when I had to have a procedure done and I was too scared to go alone.

This is the man, who when he was on hospice and still trying to get in trouble would have mom call me and say, his daughter would let him do whatever it is he wanted to do. (even though he couldn't)

I will always here his voice saying "my daughter." It is the best thing that I could be called.

This was the man who always tapped us on the head and said "go to bed," when he'd head up the stairs at an insanely early hour.

This is the man that loved to go out to eat, no matter where it was...McDonald's, a random Chinese or Mexican place, Kings, or Eat N' Park. He loved to go out.

He was stubborn.

He was loving.

He could make you absolutely insane at times,

But he was my daddy and I will love him forever.


Thursday, June 11, 2020

Doing Something For Me

I've got stuff done, I've said that before.

Now I want to do something for me.

Why is that so dang hard?

I've spent a whole lot of time focusing on everyone else.

I work 13 hours many days and I come home late, and I make supper...Usually at 10 o'clock at night.

I'm super tired on those nights and on the nights I don't work I have to worry about either getting shopping done or picking someone up from work.

Never about me.

My life hasn't been about me for a long time. At least before, I had a purpose. Now my life is not mine and I have no purpose.

I've been doing things to make my house look pretty.

Now I want to do a few things for me.

Like maybe a new camera...

Or a daytrip somewhere.

I'm not saying I deserve it more than anyone, because everyone that works deserves a break every now and then..I'm just saying...I need something for me.

Tuesday, June 09, 2020

Checking Things Off My List

Its so exciting when you get stuff accomplished.

1. My new drapes are bought and up and look really great. One of the old pair actually was still in ok shape, so they are now in the hallway upstairs.

2. My front yard now has flower beds and pretty solar lights. I am so happy and 110 dollars later, the flowers are in and they look lovely!