Sunday, December 14, 2014

Getting Nowhere Fast

I am spinning wheels again.

I have next to nothing done for the holiday. I have food bought, but very little else. I'm halfway through with presents, but I still have quite a few things I need to buy.

Tree?

I have no idea where we're even going to put it.

I need help and I'm still not getting it.

I didn't think it was possible to be more frustrated than I was prior to Nov 16, but I think I am.

I'm think I may just cancel Christmas this year. I just don't think that it is worth it.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Christmas Isn't Coming

I have no tree up.

I have no motivation to do it.

This weekend will mark one month since he's been gone.

I want to "keep" Christmas, but my heart isn't into it.

I know I should.

But I just can't seem to do it.

It hurts too much.

I can't stop crying. The stress has just transferred itself to different things, and truthfully, I'd rather be stressed out taking care of my father than being stressed out over all the things that I have to deal with now that he's gone.

Have I mentioned how empty and quiet our house is without him?

And its so hard when you have no one to talk to that understands. At least hospice has helped my mom, but they forgot that there were other caregivers for my dad, and our hearts are broken too, and we are all having trouble coping.

So really, it would be ok, if we skipped most of Christmas this year, right?

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Hump Day Hunks







Monday, December 08, 2014

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy, I hope wherever you are now, you have found peace. I hope the images of WWII that tormented you so much in your last days are gone. I hope that you can see it in your heart to forgive me for all the times I lost patience with you, because now it is those little things that make me miss you the most. I would give almost anything to put you on "the bucket" again or get you a waffle "those round things." I long to sit on a hospital bed with my arm around you. Because, Daddy, oh my dear sweet Daddy, I love you so much. I don't think I've ever known such pain or emptiness in my heart. I wish God would have seen fit to let you wake up one last time before he took you from us, just so I would have known that you heard me say, "I love you." I wish I hadn't wanted to do things so much when you were still with us, even though I never did them. I wanted such stupid things, like a trip to the mall or to a restaurant. I don't want those anymore. All I want, is something that I can't have. You. I wish the house wasn't so empty and quiet. Even in your sickness, you filled it with life. Oh Daddy, my Daddy. It is so hard to go on without you. Love, Andrea

Thursday, December 04, 2014

What Happened To Mourning?

This world moves by at such a crazy pace that people seem to think you should finish grieving in a few short weeks.

My dad died on Nov 16th and that wound is still fresh.

If I could wear black everyday, I would.

What I don't understand are the people that say, "Well, you're moving on with your life now, right?"

WTF?

No.

In fact, right now, my life feels like it is at a total stand still. I don't know what to do with myself.  I spent the last 6 years taking care of my dad, though his health wasn't always bad in that time period. I went to the doctor with him, I stayed at the hospital with him, I knew what was going on.

That's gone, and I feel like I'm floating off to sea. I'm adrift, with no purpose at all.

The worst part is that all the little things that annoyed the hell out of me before, are what I miss the most right now.

My life is empty and its going to take more than a few weeks to make the pain go away. Anyone that thinks it should just disappear, has obviously never loved someone.

Wednesday, December 03, 2014

Hump Day Hunks

Sometimes you need pretty things to make you less depressed. Right now I need a lot of pretty things


Here are a few of my favorite things


I've been tripping out of old episodes of The Nanny on TVLand at 5 am. Charles Shaughnessy is still gorgeous. Heck Fran is too.


Benedict Cumberbatch....le sigh...and I'm still not sure why.



The world needs more Tom Hiddleston in it.

Tuesday, December 02, 2014

Stop Being Offended

It is that time of year again, when all you see is "Keep Christ in Christmas" and a whole lot of bruhaha over "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays."

People need to get a grip.

If someone says "Happy Holidays" they don't know if you celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah. It isn't supposed to be offensive, it is supposed to be all inclusive.

And if you really want to "Keep Christ in Christmas" start acting like Christians, and be more kind and giving to the poor and needy, rather than spending thousands on iPhones and TVs and other gadgets.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I'm not saying that getting nice presents is bad. I like a great gift as much as everyone else, but excess is not what Christmas is about. Oh and most of the stuff everyone enjoys about Christmas is more rooted in pagan-ism than Christianity.

Christmas should be more about family, then stuff anyway.

This shouldn't be a season that is as chaotic as it is. I've often wondered why we have holidays where we spend more time preparing then actually enjoying.

Like Thanksgiving.

You spend hours in the kitchen cooking a meal that you only enjoy for maybe an hour tops. The cook is usually exhausted when the last dish is done too.

But that's another rant all together.

Now stop being offended by everything and enjoy the next 30 days no matter what you celebrate, and be thankful for those that love you and raise a glass to those you love that aren't there anymore.


Monday, December 01, 2014

Big Sigh

I did the hardest thing. I started to go through my dad's clothes.

He had quite a tie collection.  None of which are going to Goodwill. There are 3 huge bags of clothes going there, but not the ties.

The ties have sentimental value, and I will give a few of them to my brother and nephews. I bought a bunch of them for him, back in my retail days.

He has some great novelty ties too. There's a few Home Improvement ties, Looney Toons (Marvin Martian!), Heinz, Coke....etc..

We always wanted him to look snazzy, and I enjoyed finding clothes for him.

I hate getting rid of stuff like this. I said the same thing when my grandmother died back in 2008. It feels like I'm throwing him away and my dad's life isn't one that should be cast aside.
   
He was a good father, husband and friend and casting aside things that were a part of his life feels so wrong.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

People I Want To Punch In The Throat

The last two weeks have been hard. The holidays without my dad are really bleak, but we have to soldier on. Life goes on and all that bullcrap, even though the house feels so damn empty without him.

There's too much quiet.

Quiet that I once thought I wanted.

I was wrong.

I think I might almost sell my soul to have him back in the hospital bed calling for me or my nephew, Raymond for a Boost or to use the "bucket."

It doesn't help matters when some well meaning people send the wrong words in their sympathy cards. Please don't ever tell me that you are "saddened yet relieved that my father has gone home to be with God." I may want to punch you in the throat. I'm having a hard enough time with my faith, and an even harder time with people that are trying to sound compassionate, but come across as sounding foolish and insensitive.

Never ever ever tell someone that has lost a loved one that you are "relieved that they have gone to be with God." I will never ever ever be "relieved" that my father isn't with us anymore.

I've also seen family members beg for sympathy, but never once pick up the phone to call my mother. No one should be sorry for their loss. If you haven't visited or talked to my dad in 10 years or more, it isn't your freaking loss. It is our loss. He is our father, my mother's husband, I realize he's a relation to you, but you didn't lose anybody, we did.

Am I bitter?

Yes.

Am I cranky?

Hell yes!

Is my heart shattered into a million pieces?

There are no words, my friends. No words at all.