101 Things To Do With Elvis Costello

1. Count all of his hats.
2. Make sure you get him to toss the ones that look like lawn furniture away.



3. Borrow his glasses to see how blind he actually is.
4. Check his closets to find out if there are any short sleeve shirts inside or shorts. (Just to find out if he ever shows any flesh!)
5. Make him tell you exactly how he feels about the current administration in the US.(Grab a pillow, you'll probably need it)
6. Make him record a studio version of The Scarlet Tide with the alternate lyrics. Promise him that Emmylou Harris can sing on it with him.
7. Convince him that it would be a good career move to write songs with another 60's icon: Justin Hayward. Props to him if he can get him to release his inner snark.
8. Make him do the Radio Radio jig again. (Sober) See if he falls on his face.
9. Convince him to wear leather again. And I don't mean jackets!



10. Convince him to tour with his wife, if he must tour with someone.



11. Get him to star in a film instead of doing strange little cameos.
12. Remind him that when he tours it's not necessary to always have an opening act or a special guest or ...ehm, Emmylou Harris, because some people really just want to see HIM!
13. Get him to re-record Heart Shaped Bruise and There's a Story In Your Voice without Emmylou or Lucinda.
14. Make him go through all his demos and make him release some of the songs that didn't make the cut on the last 3 albums.
15. Get him to write and record a full album with Paul McCartney.
16. Find out which venue he preferred in Pittsburgh, the gym or the parking lot.
17. Make him watch the episode of Fraiser that he was in.



18. Make him sing "I Want You" to you in the bedroom.
19. Convince him that since he'll sing anything once, why not "Nights In White Satin"
20. Ask him What "Is" so funny about peace love and understanding.
21. If he can't answer that, have him call Nick Lowe for the answer.
22. Ask him if he bought a Jesus robot in Japan.
23. Find if he's been turned from a playboy to a man yet.
24. Ask him who Alison was about, have earplugs ready in case he screams or a hanky in case he starts to cry.
25. Tell him he's such a cute little devil

26. Ask him when he's going to announce his engagement to the sexy wench in the picture with him.



27. Find out if he's paid for the Crimes of Paris yet.
28. Ask him if he's happy now.
29. Find out who bought this hat for him



beat them senseless.
30. Remind him again that wicker chairs should not be made into head gear and toss the hat in the fire.
31. Take him shopping for casual attire, as it is obvious he owns none.
32. Ask him why his wife never smiles, even when she is in the presence of his dashing self.



33. Ask him how he could sleep with Bebe Buell. That skank slept with Steven Tyler from Aeorosmith. Yuck!
34. Ask him to introduce you to his son, Matthew.
35. Get him to show you his CD collection.



36. Find out if "rubber ducky" is the one



Wait...he has one short sleeved shirt! Dances for joy!

37. Ask him if he's out of time yet.
38. Reinact the video for "I Wanna Be Loved" only make sure that it's just you and Elvis.
39. Read him the "riot act"
40. Make him explain the lyrics to New Amsterdam.
41. Find out if he knows "How to be dumb"
42. Make him sing Blue Chair, Next Time Round and all the other songs he leaves off the setlist in Pittsburgh (or whatever city you happened to see him in)
43. Tell him that he's so "Lovable"
44. See if you can create some "Indoor Fireworks" with him.
45. Find out if he can stand alone.
46. Ask him to demonstrate the "Mini Skirt Waddle"
47. Tell him you'll smile with your legs if he talks with his hands.
48. Find out if he's ever been to Toledo.
49. Get him to make silly faces.



50. Tell him where he can stick that tongue.



51. Tell him if he ever shaves his hair again, you will personally beat the crap out of him.
52. Ask him if you can join him on the couch.



53. Find out if Diana put anyone's eyes out with her boobs.



54. Discover if he's "The Flirting Kind"
55. Hugs!
56. Get him to help you remember how much his stubble tickles
57. Ask him what was up with the Grizzly Elvis look of the Mighty Like a Rose era.
58. Remind him it's not polite to stick out his tongue.



59. Ask him where Pony St is.
60. Find out if Just About Glad was autobiographical.
61. Who is his Science Fiction Twin anyway?
62. Ask him to speak pidgin english.
63. Find out what the 10 commandments of love are.
64. Ask him if it's "Still to soon to know"
65. Cover him in chocolate sauce. Lick it off slowly
66. Add whipped cream
67. Cherries add a nice touch too.
68. Fuzzy cuff him to the bed.
69. Sixty nine! You perhaps thought I'd forget that?
70. Remind him not to have any more episodes of blonde. Then kick Diana to the curb.
71. Make sure that "sex" isn't seconds of pleasure
72. Get him together with Justin Hayward and find out which one sings "My Funny Valentine" better.
73. Check and make sure he's washed his hands after using the bathroom.



74. Ask him is love really is always scarpering or cowering or fawning.
75. Take him out for bubble tea.
76. Take him to the Tiki Lounge in Pittsburgh.
77. Get him to play in the dancing fountain at Station Square.
78. Ask him if enough trains went by during his last performance in Pittsburgh.
79. Get him to tell you how he really feels about Bruce Thomas.
80. Find out where he got the shoes!



81. Find out what he thought of Duran Duran's cover of Watching the Detective



82. Find out if he sleeps with his fists clenched tight.
83. Get him to sing Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood and see if it has the same orgasmic inducing qualities live as it did on record.
84. Ask him what the loved ones say?
85. Find out why in the hell he did a song with Daryl Hall!
86. Commune with nature



87. Take him on a lover's walk.
88. Make him release the Wendy James demos.
89. Wish him a happy b-day.
90. Give him his b-day spankings.
91. Give him one to "grow" on.
92. Find out "boxers, briefs or commando."
93. Ask him if he's cold, and then volunteer to keep him warm if he says yes.



94. Count all his silly scarves.
95. Give him a b-day shag.
96. Smash some b-day cake in his face so you can lick it off.
97. Repeat the procedure with ice cream this time.
98. Tie a bow around him and ask him if he's your belated b-day present.
99. Unwrap him.
100. Give him another b-day shag.
101. Repeat the last 100 as needed.

Happy Birthday Elvis!!!