Get your minds out of the gutter! No wait there may be a few naughty things on this list. It is inspired by this Duran Duran website I found yesterday.
1. Steal his aquanet and refuse to give it back until he puts Never Comes The Day back into the set list.
2. Force him, at gunpoint if necessary to sing a few more showtunes. We've all heart This Is The Moment, we know he could do it.
3. Steal his ugly pink shirt
and refuse to give it back, until he lets John Lodge have one more song in the show.
4. Cover him in whipped cream and chocolate sauce and lick it off.
5. Put reindeer antlers on his head and start singing Don't Need A Reindeer until he admits that he really needs a reindeer.
6. Ask him how many times he's used "Days of Future Past" as a lyric in his songs.
7. Put eyeliner on him and see if you can recreate the "The Other Side Of Life" look.
8. Ask him to be your knight in white satin.
9. Go through his wardrobe and find out how many white shirts he really has. (And burn all the pink ones)
10. Make him teach you how to ride.
11. Ask him if he's named any of his other guitar's besides Ole Red.
12. Play dress up with him, and take lots of pictures.
13. Feed him tiramisu so he doesn't look so scrawny.
14. See if he can stretch those long leggies of his inside your parent's 1992 Ford Escort.
15. Get him on the twisty thing from Curves and see if he can balance.
16. Make him wear leather pants again. (And not with ugly vests!)
17. Cook dinner in only an apron.
18. Be dinner (you knew that was coming right?)
19. Make him go "Deep" (you saw that one coming too)
20. Take him casino hopping in Atlantic City, Vegas and Monte Carlo and make him give you his winnings.
21. Make him sing "I'm Sorry" from Night Flight and giggle hysterically when he sings "lopsided lovin' got me in the end."
22. Tickle him and see if he laughs like he did on the BBC radio show "Jammin."
23. Ask him the inspiration for Nights and White Satin and see if he screams.
24. Ask him why the Moody Blues only put out an album once every Moody Blue Moon!
25. Make him do another song for Annie Haslam. This time it can be a real duet.
26. Tie him face down to the bed, nekkid and announce that you're looking at his "bum!"
27. Make him do a strip tease.
28. Ask him what the hell happened to those rings.
29. Make him explain "Isn't Life Strange" for all the times John Lodge has had to explain "Nights In White Satin"
30. Go clothes shopping in NYC, Paris, London and Milan....and make him foot the bill. Hell let him buy a few things for himself..as long as they aren't pink.
31. Find out if he can still fit in some of his clothes from the 60's.
32. Ask him what the hell the video for "Blue World" was supposed to be about.
33. Get him inside a pickup truck and see if he still looks as ridiculous "Sitting At The Wheel" as he did in that video.
34. Invite Graeme and John over and only talk to them, while recording all of Justin's bored looks. Play them back for him later to embarrass him.
35. Teach him how to shake his groove thang.
36. Explain to him what a groove thang is.
37. Send him back in time and make him be a real Troubadour
38. Get him to stop bitching in his updates on Justin Hayward.com
39. Remind him that there are 2 other band members in the Moody Blues.
40. Get him to call Bernie Barlow and beg her to return to backing vocals.
41. If that doesn't work, make him do it in person, on hands and knees. (Video taping it for the world to see)
42. Make him sing "Fly Me High" and any other early songs from his career that he can remember.
43. Stand him in the middle of a mall and see how many women stop, stare and drool.
44. Feed him Godiva truffles and make him lick the chocolate off your fingers.
45. Make him record a message for my wonky cell phone.
46. Let you take all the nekkid pictures of him that your digital camera could stand.
47. Invite John Lodge to the photo shoot, and let him join in. (mmmmmm)
48. Ask him to define "The Hayward Charm"
49. Then ask him if there's a difference between the Hayward charm and the Hayward jewels and can we see it.
50. Make him answer the question "Boxers, Briefs or nothing at all?" and then prove to us his answer is correct.
51. Make him the new Phantom of the Opera. (sing my angel of music!)
52. Take him to the Tiki Lounge in Pittsburgh and get him drunk (and take him to the cubby in the lower level bar and have your way with him)
53. Let him hide inside your "Sweet Sweet Love" forevermore.
54. Get him to make up nonsense lyrics to as many Moody Blues songs as possible.
55. Take him to Phipps Conservatory and make him stand on the top of the mountain in the discovery garden while singing Silverbird.
56. When he walks into a room, have everyone sing Lovely To See You too him.
57. Find out if guitargasms and orgasms produce the same expressions.
58. Ask him if humping his guitar during "Question" is better then sex.
59. Make him show you his natural hair color.
60. Make him explain every song he's ever written in detail.
61. Make him do the nose crinkle.
62. Make him sign a few autographs and then look at his signature and remark that you thought his last name was spelled "Heyward" or "Haywood" and see if he blows a gasket.
63. Point out the Whoosh of a star on the December album cover that he obviously missed, when bitching in Dec 2003.
64. Get Vintage Wine stuck in his head.
65. See if he can cut a cake all by himself, and not look like he's cutting into a rock.
66. If he can't cut it, get John to help him, instead of standing there looking like an idiot.
67. Teach him how to use a phone properly, so he can instruct the band later.
68. Throw away all his purses!
(and have him tell John to stop playing with his manboobs)
69. Sixty-nine! (Did you think I'd pass that opportunity up?)
70. Make him model swimwear. Even if it is pink.
71. Show him pictures of himself from the early 80's. Fall over laughing.
72. Make him "Say it with love"
73. Make him say a few choice four letter words, so that you can giggle.
74. Ask him why his wife isn't cute, like Kirsten Lodge.
75. Make him promise not to wear white shoes ever again.
76. Ask him why Universal is a bunch of cheap ass bastards and won't get the reissues out.
77. Ask him why he hasn't done another solo cd since the late 90's. Not as if the Moody Blues were in the studio working hard in all that time.
78. At noon on Tuesday start singing Tuesday Afternoon to him and see if he cries.
79. Teach him dirty dancing.
80. Calvin Klein ads (Nothing comes between him and his Calvin's)
81. Ask him for sex tips! Make him teach you! (This one is stolen from the Simon list)
82. Make him play Nights In White Satin on the sitar.
83. Have him arm wrestle John Lodge to see who is king of the band.
84. Make him play Higher and Higher without giving Graeme squirrelly looks when he riverdances/bumps and grinds/chicken dances across the stage.
85. Dress him up as a robber (A'la the Paul McCartney song from Tug of War)
86. Encourage a songwriting partnership with Elvis Costello.
87. Make him let out his inner snark. (We know he has one.)
88. Get him to dress in drag!
89. Duet with Andy Bell of Erasure.
90. Do a video for Don't Need A Reindeer.
91. Convince him to divorce that ugly skank that he's married to.
92. Get him to record Classic Blue 2
93. Threaten him if the Moody Blues don't tour the east coast (specifically Atlantic City and the Pittsburgh area), you'll make sure he never tours or has sex again.
94. Make him do Kareoke at Primantis after a few pints.
95. Play strip chess with him.
96. Let John play Words You Say on tour and then make him promise not to look bored or fall asleep during the song.
97. Make him drink a whole bottle of Krisemma wine. See how drunk he gets. (Take advantage of him accordingly)
98. Find out who's idea it was to hire the backup tarts, when the band did not need backing vocals. Then beat that band member with a stick.
99. Two words: Fuzzy cuffs
100. Give him a pedicure...and tickle his toes.
101. Repeat all 100 as needed.
The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for May, 2016
2 hours ago