I Feel Like I'm Throwing Her Away

I was going through some of papers and things at grandma's yesterday. This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and I don't like it one bit. I don't know what to keep or what to throw away and I feel like I'm throwing my grandma away. However odd some of the things I'm finding are, they meant something to her, they were part of her life. I hate having to decide what parts should be kept and what should be tossed.

I wish I didn't have to do this, but I know there's no one else that will and no one else that is able to help me with the task at hand.

Ultimately every trip down to her house across the street ends in tears, some that I let other people see, others that only me and the empty house know about.

I'm learning so much more about my grandmother now that she's gone and that just makes it harder. I'm learning even more about my grandfather, and that makes it really sad, since he died 7 years before I was born. I'm becoming jealous of my other two siblings because they know both of my mom's parents and my brother knew both of my dad's.

All my life, my only grandparent was my mom's mom. I went through periods where I didn't go to see her much even though she was across the street, but I never stopped loving her. I've been told that was part of the growing process and I am normal, but I still feel like there's so much time I wasted.

In the last three years, we've become closer, because I took over laundry duties and I always stopped down to check on her to make sure she was ok, or if she needed anything from the store.

I guess my hormones and emotions are all in a tizzy, but right now I'm full of tears because I miss her more than I can even express. I know I acted annoyed sometimes when I had to go down to her house each day or when I had to drag laundry and nom noms for grandma, but I was never annoyed with her, it was just the task. I loved her so much and I feel like I'm throwing her away right now. I want my grandma. I want to hold my little Kewpie doll grandma again.