Missing Monday (on Tuesday)

In the last week I've really been missing "the people and things that went before." If I wasn't shedding tears for gram, I was crying over Mutchka or Purrbee or Itchy or Coco. I miss all of them dreadfully.

I know in the next 30 days I'll be missing grandma more as the anniversary of her death approaches.

For as long as I live I don't think I'll ever be able to forget coming into her dark house and calling out for her. Then rushing up to the top of the steps to find her lying on the floor, already gone.

The fear still shakes me. I can even hear my own screams echoing.

I was so afraid. I was scared to touch her and she was my grandma, but that knowledge of death kept me from doing it, as if death were contagious. I remember clinging to my mother, and crying..."she's gone."

I felt so powerless.

That was probably the most life changing event I ever experienced. I would give anything to change April 26, 2008. The worst day of my life.

Gram..I miss you.