Most Days I'm Just Fine, But Not Today

We got some bad news yesterday. My mum's to have a heart catherization some time in the next 3 weeks. I think I mentioned she had a bad report when she had her last pacemaker check. They sent her pretty quickly for an ecocardiogram.

The doctor wants to do the cath, but he didn't say if he thought there was a blockage or if he thought one of the stents (sp) needed replacing or what. All we know is that there's been more deterioration of her heart since her ecocardiogram last year.

I don't know who's more frightened by this, her or me.

I can't put all of it into words. I don't even know what I'm feeling. I just know that I'm preparing for the worst this time. We've been down this road so many times, but they usually follow a heart attack. My mother's had at least 3 that we know about. The fact that her doctor wants to do one now doesn't seem to bode well, at least not following the other bad reports.

I don't think I can cope. No, I know I can't cope with this. Not right now. Not ever.