God's Comic

Mood: Pissy
Music: Nothing right now..believe it or not

I want to share a short story I wrote with you guys...feel free to shout out if you like it or not...

I dedicate it to Greg Proops and Elvis Costello

God's Comic

I had known that the end was coming months ago, but I didn't know when. I was prepared for death. I was scared, but who wouldn't be when they were about to die?

I couldn't say I had lived a sinfree life. Actually, I was quite a rowdy fellow. Would my sentence be good or bad. I had a fifty fifty chance. I would either go to Heaven or Hell.

In the moments before I reached the place where I was to be judged, I seemed to be floating endlessly in nothingness. Then before my eyes were the gates. In front of me sat St. Peter.

I had to look twice. St Peter was sitting at a desk typing away. This couldn't be. What's happened? Heaven wasn't supposed to be like this. Heaven was supposed to be a place of peace and tranquility. Where I was now, looked more like an office than the place where a person was to receive the final judgement.

Peter looked up. He was smiling. Perhaps that was a good sign.

"Mr. Carthradge, the Father will see you now."

He ushered me into a large room. There He sat. I was really scared now. The thought that I'd be spending an eternity in Hell wouldn't leave my mind.

"So, Derek, I see you time has come."

I nodded.

"Well, I have to say you did live an exciting life. Not what I'd call the perfect Christian either."

I looked up. It was true I hadn't been faithful to my religion. I had only gone to church when I had felt like going.

"So, would you like a drink before we get started?" He asked.

I nodded.

Peter cam in from somewhere, holding two cans of cola of some mystery brand. This judgement wasn't a bit like the one I had expected. There was music playing in the background. It sounded much like "Requiem" by Andrew Lloyd Webber.

"You know, Derek, I've been pondering this problem for days, and you are a prime example. Mankind is not obeying my commands. They are doing as the please. I really think I should have given the world to the monkeys, at least they are obedient."

I laughed. He was making jokes. I hoped this meant he liked me enough to let me though those gates.

"You are one of those people. I don't know what to do with you. I am thankful that you are not as bad as most. I think I will spare you on one condition. I'm in a good mood. If you could make me laugh, I'll let you into Paradise."

Make God laugh. I was definitely in deep shit now. I was destined for eternity in Hell. I didn't know a single joke that was fit to tell the Lord. I sat there and thought and I thought some more, but nothing would come to me.

"Come now, Derek, you must know at least one joke."

I couldn't think of a single thing that was funny. All my life I had been a comedian. One of the greatest in my time, the media had said. Now int he most crucial moment of my existence not a single witty comment would come to mind.

"Only a few more minutes. I don't have all eternity to wait for you."

Then it hit me. Do a comedy routine. If one joke didn't work, another certainly would.

"So there's a conflict between men and women, right? I don't really know why. Women are by far the better of the sexes. They can perform magic on themselves. They turn from drab to gorgeous before your very eyes. In less then fifteen minutes with a few brushes and paints, a dull canvas turns into a masterpiece. I'll never understand how they do it."

I looked over. God was smiling. I was on my way to heaven.

"Look at all women do. They raise children, go to work, and keep their husbands happy. I think the last one goes with the first one though. Speaking for all men. I have to say, men like being babied. Who doesn't? Women do such a good job at pampering us. They like to think we are naturally at their feet, and we are sometimes."

That did it. God broke out in laughter. I was saved! I was going to Heaven.

"Well, Derek, I guess you win. I'll let you in Paradise. There might be hope for mankind yet, that is, if the rest of you are that funny."

I put my hands on my face. That had been my worst routine. The last time I had used that had been when I was doing the stand up circuit early in my career. I still couldn't believe that it had worked. I wanted to scream for joy, but I was speechless.

I started to walk toward the gates.

"Wait, Derek. Remember that even I have a sense of humor. I created mankind, didn't I?"

Bet Greg's happy I don't write his material :D