Yes, Folks I Am A Tard

A few months back I was foolish enough to let my feelings out about a certain person. It all came back at me badly, very badly.

In my hurt after things came crashing down, I acted a bit childish. OK, I acted a lot childish. And the worst part of it, part of my venting was read by the person in question.

~big sigh~

I've apologized until I've turned blue in the face (or perhaps until my typing fingers have bruised) to no avail.

And I do know that ~ Sorry is a word that only ever means forgive my yesterdays

Still I wish there was a way to convey that anything I put to writing was out of anger and hurt and that it wasn't meant and that all my apologies have been sincere. And I really would like my yesterdays to be forgiven.

There's nothing worse than when a friendship comes crashing down, especially when it's a friendship that was a bit special. At least it was to me. The person in question shared some musical interests with me, which is something that brought me joy. We shared a similar sense of humor too. I enjoyed reading his emails. I looked forward to finding them in my inbox throughout the day. I also got a good deal of joy in finding his hits to my blog.

Two months have passed since this all went down and I still don't feel any better. I can't distance myself, because well, I'm a hopeless case. I like listening to his damn morning show. And though I don't listen to the whole thing anymore, I can't not listen. I hate Pittsburgh radio with the exception of The Pickle and WJPA in Washington. (WJPA only comes in on my work microwave radio) Truth be told I'd rather listen to Pickle. I'm used to it. Its familiar.

There was a time when I was comfortable on Friday morning when I called in my request. Now I feel nothing short of nervous. Maybe it's because I know I should just give it up, because nothing I do or say will change things. And lord knows I've tried just about everything and I still am, as the mix cd I posted can testify.

I've been waving an olive branch so long that my arm hurts and I have a feeling my peace offering didn't make any peace. And as Lindsey Buckingham sang in that obnoxious song that I rather miss at 6 a.m. on Monday morning... ~ Got to get some peace in my mind.

I can only offer one more plaintive "I'm sorry" and hope that it doesn't go unheard, though I know it will.