Things That Make Me Think Of You

It doesn't matter how long it has been since Mom, Dad and Gran have been gone, there are certain things that will always make me think of them.

For Daddy...

Eggo Waffles (I could not walk down the freezer breakfast aisle in the grocery store for a very long time without tearing up at the sight of the round things)

Corn Curls (I was snacking on these today and thought of how much Daddy loved this snack)

Boost: Every damn time I see an ad for these awful drinks I cry.

Cookies: That blue Sesame Street character couldn't hold a candle to him. In the last year of his life I couldn't make or buy enough cookies to make him happy.

Mexican and Chinese Food: He loved all things Mexican and OMG how he loved Sweet and Sour Chicken.

OK but food isn't the only thing that makes me think of my daddy.

Being stuck at an intersection when someone is turning left...I can always hear his voice calling those people "Left hand turn artists."

Driving up 5th St hill.. again his voice..."Comin' up the hill with this ole will."

For Mommy...

Celtic Music... I will never ever ever listen to Place in the Choir or Rattlin' Bog without cryin'. I just can't.

Lead Me, Guide Me: My mama and daddy's favorite hymn. Again...can't listen to it without crying.

Mary, Mother Of The Church. I have such mixed feelings about our church...I find myself crying every time I walk in the building. My mama worked so hard when she could for that parish..and they forgot about her when she was sick...just as our priest at the time, failed my dad. Still when I see the church, I can feel their great love for God there and I can remember all the good times that were associated with the work they did.

Nut roll: The holidays aren't the same without them.

You'll Never Walk Alone: Someone was singing that song on Ed Sullivan this morning on Decades..and I could almost hear mommy singing it (badly)

Longwood Gardens and Phipps Conservatory: These are places I'll always associate with mommy. She loved going there so much...the same with Lancaster and Erie..

Presque Isle: When I was a baby, they stuck a spoon in a tree there, when changing my diaper...it was still there the last time we checked!

Grandma

Wheat Pennies!!  My gran was a coin collector! Oh and 2 dollar bills!

The Laundry...Honestly when we did the laundry together on her old ringer washer, I didn't hate it. I enjoyed the time we had together.

Christmas Eve...I will never forget dinner at her house and looking out the living room window for Santa with my nieces. Even when that dinner moved to my parents house and then mine..her traditions followed.

As John Lennon wrote..

All these places had their moments

With lovers and friends, I still can recall

Some are dead, and some are living

In my life, I've loved them 

Happy Mother's Day

 To all the mother's out there,  I wish you a good day.

My two ladies are both gone.

Mama, and grandmama, I love you so much. I've said it so many times.

If only there could be one more day. I would make sure you both knew how much love I have for you. Mama, I know you knew it...Grandma I know you did too, but I always feel bad that life kept me from you so much.

There is never ever enough time

The Grandma Bunny

Little bunny rabbits make me think about my grandma, which is nice,  because I've been haunted by the last image I've had of her for a very long time.

See, I was the one that found her after she passed.

The first time I saw a bunny in her yard, I could see her smiling face again.

My grandmother loved to see bunnies in her yard. Her face would light up like a child's when there was one bouncing around the yard.

This bunny has been hanging around near my office for awhile. What's special about this little fluff butt is that he lets me get pretty close. Close enough to get a decent picture with minimal zoom.

I know if my grandma could see this little guy she'd be beaming.

Love you grandma, and I miss you so much.

Missing Grandma

Grandma would have been 108 today. I know that's an age most people don't live to see, but she was spunky. She made it to 101. Not bad. And she had a good long life, filled with many people that loved her.

I still miss her so much.

I hope she's having a nice time with my daddy today in heaven. I know she has most of her family with her now.

Love you more, grandma!

5 Years Ago

I wanted to do my Top 5 On Friday today, but there's something more significant about this day.

5 years ago today, my grandma passed away.

Yes, she was 101, but that doesn't make it any less painful. In some ways it makes it more so, because she seemed to invincible. If anyone had the key to immortality, it would have been my grandma.

Three Years Ago Today

It was just as warm....

It was a sunny Saturday afternoon....

I was looking forward to a concert in Pittsburgh on Sunday....

When all of my world shattered.

It is 3 years....

It still hurts so much knowing you are gone from our lives...but Gram you have never left our hearts.

One Of The Saddest Songs

I've been reading Loretta Lynn's first autobiography Coal Miner's Daughter

That also prompted me to hunt down Loretta's music and in doing so I discovered one album that she recorded with Dolly Parton, a huge favorite of mine, and Tammy Wynette. The album I'm talking about is Honky Tonk Angels

Now we all know I listen to everything, but with country I'm selective and old time country isn't really high on my list of listening material, but this album is so pretty. I particularly loved Silver Threads & Golden Needles, but when I heard Let Her Fly I burst into tears. It was such a beautiful and sad song, and it made me think of Grandma and that alone usually prompts a flood of tears. I miss grandma terribly.

Go ahead and listen to Let Her Cry and you'll understand what I mean.

Let Her Fly - Dolly Parton;Tammy Wynette;Loretta Lynn

The Other Day...

I was down at my grandmother's house, well its my house, but you understand that to me it will never be that, its grandma's house always. I looked around. Most of the furniture is in place and so are some of the things that always were there, but the stuff from the drawer old books and papers and all those greeting cards, are scattered throughout the dining room and kitchen.

It just made me wonder.

Is this all that's left of her wonderful life? There's barely a trace of her left, except her old ratty sweatshirt coat, you know something kinda like a hoodie but not, and an umbrella.

The house still smells like grandma if that makes sense, but the important part of it, grandma, is not there and that makes it just a house. A house that I neither want or need in my life. The house that's keeping me from the car that I would have had the money for a downpayment on if I weren't shelling out the part of my savings to pay for homeowners insurance and the utilities that we're still keeping on...plus the taxes and other things that just eat up ever extra cent I have.

Oye!

And I can remember times when gram said to me that we'd be better off if she were gone. I know that it was the ramblings of a 101 year old lady that knew her life was winding down, but gram, no! Life rolled on so much nicer when you were there to talk to, to help when we needed. When that house across the street was your house and not just a house.

Triggers

Some people have triggers for anxiety issues, I have them for tears, at least where my grandmother is concerned.

Yesterday I went to get my summer hair. Yes, I cut the longer locks off. I hate long hair in the summer. I prefer my pixie cut but that's beside the point.

Two of the hair stylists were talking about an 88 year old woman that was still living in her house on her own. I sat there as my stylist snipped away, thinking that gram lived in her house on her own til the day she passed at 101 years of age.

I wanted to say something but didn't because I didn't want to have to start talking about gram. Until they mentioned their Emma.

I always find it funny when someone called her that. I swear only the ladies at the salon did. Everyone else called her grandma or Mrs. Rehula. In nearly 35 years, I never heard my gram called her first name alone. Relatives may have called her aunt Emma, but never just Emma.

I forced the tears back as they asked me how long its been since she passed, even though I wanted to scream that its been nearly 1 year and a month.

My gram was a special lady and I don't think I'll ever get over not having her around.

One Year Ago Today....

The most beautiful lady in the world left my life.



Grandma I miss you so much. Words cannot express how much I love you. I wish we had more time. I think of you everyday and my heart breaks a little more because you aren't here with us anymore.

Love you more, Gram.

Happy Birthday Grandma

Grandma, today you would have been 102. You said last year that you weren't going to make it to 102 and you must have known something that you weren't sharing. But oh grandma, these are all the people that love you and you've left behind and miss you something awful.

It hasn't been a year yet since you've gone, but I still cry because I'm a selfish little girl that loves her grandma and wishes she still had her shoulder to cry on, her laundry room to share silly stories with her at and so many other things.

I've felt so negligent since last April, but I guess most people that lose a loved one feel the same way, but I was a fool. I felt that you lived 101 years and because of that, you would be with us forever.

I know you'll be in my heart forever.

Wherever you are grandma, I love you so much and I wish you a happy birthday.

The First Christmas Without You

Dear Grandma,

Something doesn't seem quite right this year. The house across the street is dark and lonely. There's no sign of a blind going up or down in the morning. There's no cheery smile when I walk in.

The phone doesn't ring at 10 p.m. to let us know that you've made it upstairs to bed. Nor does it ring in the morning.

Thursday afternoons no longer involve taking you to get your hair done. I don't take you to your coin club meetings once a month.

I don't do the laundry on a ringer washer anymore

Going to Save-a-lot to do your shopping is a thing of the past.

So are your hugs and kisses.

I can't hear you say I love you more.

You had more Christmases than most people dream of Grandma, but this first one without you hurts so badly, because you were always such a part of Christmas. For my first 20 some years Christmas Eve was a special occasion at your house. But that meal was always a special part of the holiday and you made it so, even when you stopped putting up a tree.

This is what I'll always remember





I love you grandma and I miss you so much.

Love,

Andrea

Little By Little

I brought a few more things up from Grandma's house yesterday. We're still finding more and more cards that were sent to her over the years. Birthday, Valentine's Day, Christmas etc. She kept each and every one it seemed.

Its funny, most of us throw those things out after a week or two, but not my gran. She has a house full of them.

I guess she wanted to remember everyone who loved her and cared enough to get her cards.

It made me feel bad that I never put that much store in cards. I always thought that just saying I love you was enough. I always found for me, that cards don't say what I want them to, they say what you think the person wants to hear, and that always came off as insincere to me.

All of this makes me hope she knew just how very much I love her and god, I miss her terribly.

Missing You

This is going to be the first Thanksgiving/Holiday Season without grandma. Its been exactly 7 months since her passing and I can't talk about her with getting teary eyed.

Her house is mine, in name, but I can't think of it as such. In fact, I wish the market were better so that I could sell it, only its across the street from my home, so I'll probably be upset when new people take over, because that house will always be GRANDMA'S! Its a Catch 22.

The next month or so going to be hard for us. That empty seat at the dinner table tomorrow will be the reminder that one that was so important to us is no longer here.

I can only hold fast to my belief that she's with god and that somehow she'll be with us throughout the day in spirit.

But then I think. If this was my first year with god, and the first year that I've seen my family that have all long since passed, why would I want to check in on those that we left in this world?

Oh yes, I remember...She loves us more.

I love you more Grandma.

Those words were almost a joke when you said them, but we know you meant them and I miss hearing them.

Its going to be a rough few days here, but I know we'll get through them. I only hope I can keep the tears to a minimum.

The Tracks Of My Tears

Yesterday was a rough one. It seemed like every time I turned around the tears were ready to come.

I was really missing grandma and that all started at my brother's house. He has an awesome digital frame, but it seemed like whenever I looked at it a picture of gram was up.

I miss gram terribly.

I miss hearing her say she loves me more.

I miss sharing books with her.

I miss her hugs.

I even miss the stuff that used to annoy me, like doing the laundry on Saturday morning when I'd rather be sleeping in, or getting her mail when I was tired and being a lazy bitch that didn't want to walk across the street.

I miss her asking me if anything went on at work. I hate that I've had things that were actually interesting or weird happen lately and I can't tell her.

I miss her voice.

Just when I think its getting better something comes to mind and I'm bawling again. I know its only been a few months but it doesn't change the fact that gram was a huge part of my life and every day I realize more and more what a gaping hole her passing has left in my life.

I know it seems childish but I want my grandma

Am I Odd?

Well yes, I know I am, but this is different. I finished reading that Elizabeth Harris novel, Shadows In The Sand and I know my grandmother would have loved it. It was just the kind of book she liked a bit of a mystery, a touch of romance and a chance to learn something too.

I'm taking it to the cemetery and leaving it on her grave.

It's one of the first books I've read since April 26 that really screamed out to me that grandma would have enjoyed it and now she's not here to do that.

But I'm compelled to take it to her. I want her to know that I'm still thinking of her, actually there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about her. I don't think the pain of losing her has dimished any either. It only takes a photo, or a can of beef stew on the shelf at the store and I'm near tears.

Its easier to go into the house now, but sometimes I still want to look for her and going upstairs still fills me with dread. I still haven't lost that image from that Saturday afternoon.

Ah, gram, why did you have to go?

2 Books I Want To Share

I'm reading two books right now that I wish I could share with my grandma. We had a little book circle of our own. I'd pass on books I got from BOMC2 or other places and she'd share the books she got from her friend Evelyn to me.

The new Janet Evanovich is the first of the two books I would have passed on to her. Gram loved Stephanie Plum, and I think she like Grandma Mazur too. I think we were both in agreement that even a mediocre Plum novel was still a good one

I'm really pleased with this one though. It's keeping me on my toes plus Morelli is a huge part of this book, and I'm more than a little partial to that character. Not that I don't love Ranger too, but the homebody in me always goes for the more stable person.

The other book Shadows In The Sand by Elizabeth Harris is a romance/mystery. I wasn't more than 20 pages into this book and I knew it would be one Grandma would have loved. She enjoyed anything that taught or opened her mind to something new, and this book figured in a period of time when Great Britain played a part in the rule of Egypt.

Books were the one thing we really had in common over the years. Grandma and I read just about anything, and it was always fun to find a book that we both loved. I can't stand that one of the books I gave her in the last year from my collection was Fannie Flagg's Can't Wait To Get To Heaven. We certainly wanted her to wait to get there.

Now I have these 2 books and no one to talk to about them or share them with. Its times like this when I really miss Grandma, and let me tell you, I still miss her a lot.

In My Life....I Love You More

The week after grandma passed away, I requested In My Life to be played on the Pickle in her honor. I hadn't completely paid attention to the lyrics when I did, except so many of them suited the situation. It wasn't until I scrolled through my friends list over on livejournal and saw a photo post that said in my life...I love you more that it really hit me, that was the perfect song for grandma.

Why?

Because any time you told grandma that you loved her, she fired back, "I love you more."

She signed her greeting cards that way too.

That was grandma's catch phrase. I can't hear those words without thinking of her.

Reading those words this morning brought a tear to my eye, as I thought, someone else said that besides gram. Then I realized it was John Lennon.

I Feel Like I'm Throwing Her Away

I was going through some of papers and things at grandma's yesterday. This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and I don't like it one bit. I don't know what to keep or what to throw away and I feel like I'm throwing my grandma away. However odd some of the things I'm finding are, they meant something to her, they were part of her life. I hate having to decide what parts should be kept and what should be tossed.

I wish I didn't have to do this, but I know there's no one else that will and no one else that is able to help me with the task at hand.

Ultimately every trip down to her house across the street ends in tears, some that I let other people see, others that only me and the empty house know about.

I'm learning so much more about my grandmother now that she's gone and that just makes it harder. I'm learning even more about my grandfather, and that makes it really sad, since he died 7 years before I was born. I'm becoming jealous of my other two siblings because they know both of my mom's parents and my brother knew both of my dad's.

All my life, my only grandparent was my mom's mom. I went through periods where I didn't go to see her much even though she was across the street, but I never stopped loving her. I've been told that was part of the growing process and I am normal, but I still feel like there's so much time I wasted.

In the last three years, we've become closer, because I took over laundry duties and I always stopped down to check on her to make sure she was ok, or if she needed anything from the store.

I guess my hormones and emotions are all in a tizzy, but right now I'm full of tears because I miss her more than I can even express. I know I acted annoyed sometimes when I had to go down to her house each day or when I had to drag laundry and nom noms for grandma, but I was never annoyed with her, it was just the task. I loved her so much and I feel like I'm throwing her away right now. I want my grandma. I want to hold my little Kewpie doll grandma again.

Vintage Photos

I can't think much right now, so I thought I'd share a link to some vintage photos of my family that I've been scanning. Clicky here to see them.

This one is of my grandmother and the grandfather that I didn't get the chance to know, as he died in 1967. I hope she's telling him all about me right now.

They were quite a lovely couple, weren't they?

She loved him so much. I don't remember her talking about him to me much, but in drawers I found cards she gave to him for birthdays and a card he gave her. Such sweetness, such love.

They spent 41 years apart. Now they are together again.

~sigh~

I know I'm selfish but I want her with me.