I AM A TARD

I was clearing out all my emails this morning...and I went to my gmail account which I very seldom use and low and behold there was an email from...Fish, you know, He-who-should-be-flushed-down-the-toilet.

Hangs head in shame.

The childish girl in me has been avoiding him for 2 weeks and last Friday he sent me an email about a Nick Lowe article. AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT UNTIL TODAY!

FUCK!!!

He sent me an email without my even sending him anything. He saw something and thought about me and emailed me, in the old style of 9 words or less but still he saw an article and was kind enough to sent it to me, knowing that it was about someone I like.

I feel kinda small right now. Really really small. Worse still that email came and if I'm right I had that freaky dream about him calling me the next evening. Damn, why haven't I checked my flipping gmail in over a week.

What do I do? He probably thinks I wasn't speaking to him and I wasn't, but I didn't want to not be speaking to him, I was doing what I thought was best. Because I want a friendship out of this, or at least an email buddy, and I haven't a clue what he wants, but one thing for sure it isn't the same.

But lordy...I do miss him.

Perhaps I should be the one flushed down the toilet.

~sigh~

Once Upon A Time:

Walking was a cathartic thing for me. Anything that was wrong in my life could be hashed out in my head during a nice 2 mile walk. Well I walked 5 miles today and I was near tears the whole time.

My mind is stuck on two things, a certain person who should be flushed down the toilet and finances. Thinking about both brings about a fresh bout of tears, and with the right song, I'm a watering pot.

I keep telling myself I'm fine. The finances are working themselves out, slowly but surely without too many sacrifices. I also tell myself that I've gone 2 weeks without turning on 99.3 The Pickle, which means I haven't heard Fish...erm He-who-should-be-flushed-down-the-toilet, in 2 weeks. No I lie, my CD player conked out the other day and I popped it out in time to hear one of his commercials. I growled at the radio like the immature child that I am, and shut the car stereo off.

Anyway what does it matter that I have no extra money and I live from pay check to pay check, just barely, and the one person that I truly hoped would be at least a friend has flung that back in my face?

Money and friendship don't matter, right?

Damn it all, I'm one depressed little girl right now.

I WANT A HUG!

And You're Still On My Mind

Damn it. It's been a week. I've distanced myself from someone. Why? Because I know that they don't care. It's a good thing. Right? I've tuned into another station when the boss has turned the radio on at work, but mostly I've maintained radio silence.

Truth be told, he wasn't on my mind much this week. I was convincing myself that he was forgotten. Just a little bit of stupidity that kept me amused for a few months. An innocent diversion, if you will.

Not the case.

My subconscious rebelled last night, in the form of a dream. I hate dreams, because all in all they seem so real and when I wake up I'm almost always feeling let down. This was no exception.

I dreamed my cell phone was ringing and when I answered it was said person who shall be now known as he-who-should-be-flushed-down-the-toilet. He was arguing with me because "I" was ignoring him. I was arguing with him that he didn't answer mine anymore either so it didn't matter.

I don't know if there was any resolution to this in the dream because I woke up then. All I know is that someone that I was working my way to forgetting is back in my head. Please make him go away.