Things That Make Me Think Of You

It doesn't matter how long it has been since Mom, Dad and Gran have been gone, there are certain things that will always make me think of them.

For Daddy...

Eggo Waffles (I could not walk down the freezer breakfast aisle in the grocery store for a very long time without tearing up at the sight of the round things)

Corn Curls (I was snacking on these today and thought of how much Daddy loved this snack)

Boost: Every damn time I see an ad for these awful drinks I cry.

Cookies: That blue Sesame Street character couldn't hold a candle to him. In the last year of his life I couldn't make or buy enough cookies to make him happy.

Mexican and Chinese Food: He loved all things Mexican and OMG how he loved Sweet and Sour Chicken.

OK but food isn't the only thing that makes me think of my daddy.

Being stuck at an intersection when someone is turning left...I can always hear his voice calling those people "Left hand turn artists."

Driving up 5th St hill.. again his voice..."Comin' up the hill with this ole will."

For Mommy...

Celtic Music... I will never ever ever listen to Place in the Choir or Rattlin' Bog without cryin'. I just can't.

Lead Me, Guide Me: My mama and daddy's favorite hymn. Again...can't listen to it without crying.

Mary, Mother Of The Church. I have such mixed feelings about our church...I find myself crying every time I walk in the building. My mama worked so hard when she could for that parish..and they forgot about her when she was sick...just as our priest at the time, failed my dad. Still when I see the church, I can feel their great love for God there and I can remember all the good times that were associated with the work they did.

Nut roll: The holidays aren't the same without them.

You'll Never Walk Alone: Someone was singing that song on Ed Sullivan this morning on Decades..and I could almost hear mommy singing it (badly)

Longwood Gardens and Phipps Conservatory: These are places I'll always associate with mommy. She loved going there so much...the same with Lancaster and Erie..

Presque Isle: When I was a baby, they stuck a spoon in a tree there, when changing my diaper...it was still there the last time we checked!

Grandma

Wheat Pennies!!  My gran was a coin collector! Oh and 2 dollar bills!

The Laundry...Honestly when we did the laundry together on her old ringer washer, I didn't hate it. I enjoyed the time we had together.

Christmas Eve...I will never forget dinner at her house and looking out the living room window for Santa with my nieces. Even when that dinner moved to my parents house and then mine..her traditions followed.

As John Lennon wrote..

All these places had their moments

With lovers and friends, I still can recall

Some are dead, and some are living

In my life, I've loved them 

Daddy's Birthday

Yesterday would have been my daddy's 93rd birthday. It will be 5 years that he's been gone come November and though it is getting easier, these days hurt, especially since it is the first birthday of his without mommy too.

I think a lot about both of them.

So many of my memories involve food.

I made chicken fried rice yesterday and we talked about how he'd put "the red stuff" on it. The red stuff being the sweet and sour sauce. He loved that so much and when we got Chinese takeout it would go on just about anything, and he loved his sweet and sour chicken.

I can still tell you some of his favorite restaurant meals.

If you went to Cracker Barrel, he'd always get the sampler platter so he could get the ham and the chicken and dumplin's. If we went somewhere that had chicken pot pie, like Rock Bottom Brewery or Cheddars, he'd try to lick the plate clean.

Daddy enjoyed his food.

Oh and he loved the beer at Rock Bottom too.

I wish I could cook him one more meal that he'd enjoy...or take him to dinner one more time.

Its the one thing I've learned in the last 5 years. There's never ever enough time, and no matter what, no matter how you hate seeing someone you love sick, or how their illness takes away "them" NEVER EVER EVER stop telling them how much you love them, because one day you won't be able to do that, because they'll be gone.

They Are Both Gone

Now I know most of you will think I'm crazy when I say this, but I don't care. I have always felt my father's presence in my home.

I would be down in the basement and I'd swear I'd hear someone calling me. Or I would be in the kitchen, cooking supper or hunting down food.

Or something wouldn't be working and all of a sudden, it was back to normal. (I'm looking at you bathtub drain)

Since mommy passed, that feeling that Daddy was in my home watching over me is mostly gone. He stayed a little bit, or maybe he popped back to check on me once or twice very early on, but it doesn't feel like he's there anymore.

Mama left and she took daddy with her. Wherever they are, I know they are both together, and she had waited 4 long years to have him again.

I know as much as my mama wanted to stay with all of us, she missed daddy more than anything. Whenever the song "I Know I'll Never Find Another You" by The Searchers would come on The Ed Sullivan Show or on Pandora, she would cry, because she knew there was only daddy for her. Yes, she had loves in her life before she met him, but Daddy was her one true love. A love that romance novels were made of.  60 + years of marriage.  Ups and downs always along the way, but always love.  Love that most of us can't dream of having, because people just aren't programmed the way they were in the time they grew up.

I wish I could feel them both one more time and know that they were there, in my house...my house, that I bought to keep my mama safe and warm, when I couldn't do that in our old home, the home I grew up in and loved, even though it was falling apart. I wish I could feel their comforting presence.

Yes, I believe in ghosts, maybe not in the way you see on TV or in books. I know Daddy went to heaven, but I also know he was with mommy every step of the way, until she could be back with him.

I hope they are waiting for me.

The Daddy Birds

A few years ago I started to collect little bird figurines with ear flap hats.

Why?

My dad had this horrible ugly hat with ear flaps that he wore every winter. It was navy blue with plaid lining.

Dear god was it ugly.

But every time I see a hat like that, I think of my Daddy.

Hence, Daddy Birds.

I love them, because they make me think of him.

They also seem to hide every year and I have to go through ever bin of decorations that I have to find them.

Sneaky little birds.

Remembering My Daddy

I miss my dad.

I like to remember the little things about him...that made him who he was.

He was a hard worker. Even after he retired from Corning Glass, he worked as a custodian at the high school to keep busy.

He was good at fixing cars and he always gave our old Malibu a tune up before we'd go on vacation. The level of difficulty in the job always coincided with how many "sonfabitchinbastards" that came out of his mouth.

He loved to eat out, especially Mexican and Chinese food. I took him to Rock Bottom and he had pot pie, and I thought he was going to lick the plate. We always ate out on Sundays. When mom couldn't go with us any longer, I always took him, even if he had to lug around his oxygen tank to go to La Fiesta.

He was fond of a good beer. (Especially at Rock Bottom)

Dessert was his favorite part of any meal. He loved his sweets. Even in his last months...he wanted cookies and candy more than any other food.

He was stubborn. (With a touch of dementia from his blood and lung disorders he could be frustrating with this trait and it often caused us to scream at him, but never to stop loving him)

He was a great dishwasher. No one else could clean up like him.

He liked to break our Coke glasses. (He was good at breaking things that the rest of us liked, especially if he was doing something he didn't want to do)

He was generous. When I wanted to get my first CD player, he left quarters on the floor of my room to help me with my savings.

He was a savior. I can't begin to count the times he had to come and rescue either my sister or me where stuck somewhere with a broken down car or stuck in the snow.

He was a wonderful man, and not a day goes by that I don't miss me.

Sadness, I Has It

I think I've used this blog title before.

Its Christmastime and its time for holiday baking, only I don't know what to make and I'm always sad that there's not enough people to eat all the cookies that I bake.

My dad was the one with the sweet tooth. He devoured cookies like they were going out of style.

There's no one that eats cookies like he did and there's not that many people I can gift cookies too either.

It makes me sad.

There are so many things I want to make. Brownie Truffles....Peppermint Fudge...

~sigh~


I miss my Daddy.

Happy Birthday Daddy

Today would have been my Daddy's 90th birthday. He passed away Nov 16, 2014. It was one of the worst days of my life, because my daddy had become my life. I, along with my nephew, Raymond took care of him in his last year.  My mother's failing health made it impossible for her to be a primary caregiver.

But lets talk about my daddy.

He served in the Coast Guard during the second world war.

This is my parents official wedding photo

But this is my favorite picture

This is my mom and dad with my uncle Leonard and aunt Delores.

Now for some of my favorite pics of my daddy through the years

1 Year Has Passed

Nov 16 marks one year since my dad passed away.

Anyone that says that things get easier lies. Each day that passes hurts more and more.

The other day, I could hear the sound of my father crying in my head. I wanted to sit on the hospital bed or anywhere and wrap my arms around the man that I've loved all my life, but I can't, because he's not there and he never will be again.

In the year that has gone by, so much has changed in my life. I've bought a house for one. I've left behind a huge part of my life when we left that old house.

My dad was such a huge part of my life. We were together almost every day of our lives and life without him is just so empty. It is very hard to go on. I don't know how my mother, who spent over 60 year of her life with him is holding up as well as she is.

I can offer this advice to those of you who still have parents to hold on to.

1. Never miss an opportunity to say I love you.

2. Don't hide from the illness, some of the best times I had with my father were in his final years. I will always cherish the times I sat on his hospital bed and held him.

3. Have patience. They don't always know what they are doing, and yelling only makes it worse. I know how hard this, especially when the illness is progressing rabidly or that their is dementia involved.

4. Take a lot of deep breaths.

It has been one year since my daddy left us, and the pain is still very very real.