The Problem With Me....Is Me

 I'm sucking at adulting I had an appointment for a personal loan today, which sent me over the edge. The bathroom issue has me wishing I were back in high school again or at some other point other than right here and right now.

I'm dealing with a contractor all on my own and I have to admit. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but I am trying and I have no one to talk to about any of it.

I'm winging it.

All I want is an ear that will listen, cos trying to make decisions right now is hard.

This is definitely part of home ownership that I really don't like.

I do keep telling myself that I'll have a pretty new bathroom when all of this is done.

And that's the only thing that is really keeping me sane.

You Know You Are An Adult

When you get excited about buying 50 cent packages of Scentavia drier sheets at work.

Yup that's me.

I have enough drier sheets now for a few months.

My car smells like lavender now too.

Adulting sucks.

I am happy though, that I don't have a favorite spatula yet.

Why I've decided To Go Gray

 I have to admit a huge part of the "I'm not coloring my damn hair" thing is laziness. 

But here's the real deal.

A few months back I was having my walk on my favorite trail....The GAP from West Newton towards Allegheny County. There were a lot of people biking the trail, because it was a gorgeous day.

There were a bunch of ladies there, and this one had the most gorgeous grey bobbed hair. I mean it was absolutely stunning.

I think that was the moment I knew, it wasn't worth the time or money to keep coloring it, and trying to remember to buy freaking hair dye and then find the hour to actually do it. Yeah again. I am so freaking lazy.

I may spend a lot of time doing my makeup when I want to, but never my hair. I've always hated doing my hair. I think that's why for the longest time I wore a super short pixie cut. I loved that hair, but then caregiving and getting to the stylist became a pain, so suddenly I had long ugly hair.

The one thing I have learned is that there is a wonderful thing called Purple shampoo and it actually makes my hair shimmer.

I think I'm greying gracefully? Doncha think?

With The Happy There Comes The Sad

I'm really down in the dumps. Trips away usually do that to me. I don't know why. Whenever I was a little girl and we'd go on family vacations to Erie or Lancaster, I'd spend a lot of the drive home crying, even though by the time I was about an hour from home, I was anxious to get there and back to the familiar.

That's how I feel right now.

I went to my brother's Friday and Saturday. I haven't done an overnight anywhere in over 10 years. It was a lovely night. I played with his cats. I watched bad tv. We ate good food, and I saw Gorge Metro Park in Akron and we went to a gorgeous winery that isn't too far from his home.

If you are ever in Canton, OH, make a point to visit the Gervasi Winery, it is worth it. The food is superb on the Piazza and if its slushie season, get a Fromanza! It will leave you with the warm fuzzies.

But now I'm home and I have that feeling of dissatisfaction again. I want things I can't have. I feel bad about myself because I saw pictures of myself and I'm old, fat and ugly. The feeling fat and ugly started at the winery because everyone was there in their pretty sundresses and I haven't had any pretty clothes in years. I miss pretty clothes and places to wear them.

I miss the calm I had before my mother passed. I'm more anxious now than I ever was, because everything is bottled up now. I have no one to talk me down when the anxiety hits hard. There is no one that understands anymore.

I have a waiting for the other shoe to drop mentality that won't go away, even when things aren't going wrong.

Some days are better than others.

I just wish I could learn to calm down.

Happy July

We made it halfway through the year.

Woo hoo!

My birthday is tomorrow. The 2nd I'll be spending without my mama.

I don't want things to be too bittersweet.

I have so many regrets.

My last b-day with her, was spent without her.

She sent me shopping and to eat a quiet dinner by myself.

I never knew how sad that blissful day of peace would bring me later, when she was gone and there would be no more birthdays with her.

But I'm not going to be sad.

I'm going to enjoy my day tomorrow, as much as I can, seeing covered bridges in Somerset and Bedford county.

I think that's what she would want.

Checking Things Off My List

Its so exciting when you get stuff accomplished.

1. My new drapes are bought and up and look really great. One of the old pair actually was still in ok shape, so they are now in the hallway upstairs.

2. My front yard now has flower beds and pretty solar lights. I am so happy and 110 dollars later, the flowers are in and they look lovely!

Blogging In The Time Of Corona

Yikes, only 2 posts this month.

The thing is, I find it hard to find something to blog about. Well, besides, Corona...and I wish I meant the Mexican beer.

I am still working, so I can't complain on that end.

Its just the day to day stuff that gets frustrating.

Grocery shopping is like traveling into a war zone and you'll never know what you are going to get. That's part of the frustration. I have recipes I'd love to make but when you can't find the ingredients you are pretty much SOL as my dad would say (Shit outta luck)

Any plans I had for my house this summer are mostly screwed. So no new flooring. Hopefully I'll be able to do the tub surround, which is probably a cheaper job, but again, who knows.

Heck, I'd just like to be able to go somewhere that wasn't work or the laundromat.

On a happier note...

Some of the pictures from my camera phone

Life Is Giving Me Lemons

1. Gizmo doesn't have a URI, she has a bad tooth. The problem that should have only cost me about $90 is now going to cost me $600 when all is said and done. Mind you I still have part of Scratty's tooth debacle from February to deal with. So much for new flooring

2. I cleaned the baseboards on my stairs yesterday. My cats can really projectile bork, that's all I'm saying.

3. Middle of the night panic attacks are no fun especially when they occur during Ripley's believe it or not. Did we really have to do a show about a guy who had his face ripped off by a bear and a guy that was impaled by a pole? Why did anyone need to do a show on this?

4. Thanks to Covid-19 I'm eating really poorly because I don't want to go to the store and then I don't want to waste veggies when I can't use them because I'm working. My veggie consumption is down really low right now.

5. Last week I was doing so well at my reading. This week not so much. I'm blaming stress.

How is your week treating you?

Trying To Get Through It All

I don't have an excuse for being absent, except work and the fact that as soon as I sit down on my couch I fall asleep.

Is it depression?

Possibly.

Exhaustion?

Quite likely.

All in all, I'm just sick of things. I'm trying so hard to get stuff done. To make my house look nice. To keep it clean.


All I want to do is sleep.

I can't even read.

I think I need an energy boost or something.

Catching Up

So much has happened since the 18th when I last blogged. The wedding was lovely, but filled with a lot of tears. I wish mommy could have been around to at least hear about it.

Last Thursday was also the one year anniversary of her passing.

I took the day off and went to the park to commune with nature. And get some good coffee

I took loads of pictures

So The Wedding Is Tomorrow

My nephew is getting hitched tomorrow.

Can I just say I want it to be over.

In my 45 years...I've managed to avoid weddings at all costs. In fact the 4 weddings I did attend all happened before I graduated high school. My brother's 1st wedding when I was 2 months old, my sister's friends wedding, my sister's wedding and a wedding of a cousin. That's it. I've avoided all others.

I hate them.

I think they are a colossal waste of money and time.

My household is in an uproar and I just want to de-stress and get back to semi-normal. Also I just want 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

A Child Of The Water

I was thinking on things these last few days, and I realized most of my favorite places involve water. Not necessarily the beach, but a river, a creek  or a lake.

I do love the Atlantic City beach..but I've always loved Lake Erie. I've a renewed love for our Monongahela River, thanks to finding the 2 boat docks in Mon City. The Aquatorium has a beautiful view of the valley as does Tubby Hall Park

The Ohio in Wheeling is beautiful especially by my favorite suspension bridge

Lake Erie was always a favorite spot of mine from the time I was little

Look at my view from high atop the tower

Oh and there's Pymatuming and the fishies and geese!!

A Place Where I Can Find Some Peace

Narrow Daylight has always been my favorite Diana Krall song.

And the line "A place where I can find some peace" comes from that song.  In the last month or so, I've discovered a few places where I find peace and they are all near the water. I guess I will always been drawn to water. All of my favorite places have either rivers, lakes or oceans nearby.

I love the Aquatorium in Monongahela and Tubby Hall Park in New Eagle as well as the boat launch at Cedar Creek.

I just love the water and the peacefulness of it all. It reminds me that there is beauty in the world, if only we look for it.

Trying to be healthier

Let me tell you, eating healthy is damn hard when you work 13 hours most days and don't get home until almost 10 pm.

It sucks.

I have made some steps to make sure the 20 lbs I've lost in the last year and a half stay off.

1. Eating yogurt more often. I try to do a serving of Greek yogurt during the week as a snack at work.

2. No more soda. This is so hard for me, but soda is damn expensive and I have cut it out of my life a few times. Bad things usually brought it back in though...like mom's kidney's finally failing

3. I've really cut down on my fast food intake as well as eating out period.  Not that that means much of anything. It just means I'm saving money on take out but then again, I'm not really eating a lot of really bad stuff either.

4. Snack food intake is down. Definitely not going through potato chips like I used to.

So I am winning a little bit right?

So I Went Hiking

I am not a nature girl. I just want to put it out there.

My New Year's resolution was to get back into my photography, which is one of the hobbies that I enjoy the most.

So yeah, I've been going a lot of places, a lot of them local to get the cameras used again.

I was at the Aquatorium in Monongahela on Thursday and yesterday I went to Cedar Creek to walk the Gorge Trail.

Oye.

By myself.

I got lost.

I am enough of a girl scout to know the way I went so it was just a bit of frustration, but still, after a day that was supposed to be calm, my nerves were frazzled.

I parked my butt down on the boat dock and stuck my feet in the water

I think there's a Zac Brown song...uh no....as is not on the sand

You can see my Cedar Creek pictures here

Keeping Things Up To Date

Let's see

1. Miss Oogie tested Feline Leukemia positive..trying to keep her from the other cats..I really don't know what to do, but I don't want to surrender her to a shelter, because I love the little dickens.

2. More pictures..

3.  Second job has been stealing my sanity, but I love all the friends I have made there, which makes it so worthwhile.

4. I have tomorrow off, so I'm going to head to Cedar Creek Park with my camera!

Trax and Mingo

I got to 2 of my favorite places over the weekend, Trax Farms and Mingo Park.

I bought some lovely zinnia's for the back yard and some yummy food. Oh and I bought WINE! I also got to see my favorite covered bridge, The Henry.

See! I even have visual proof that I was at the Henry!

I love taking flower pictures, but you'll have to head over to my flickr page to have a look at those. I'm actually really excited that I've already updated flickr a few times this year. Most are from my phone, but the big updates were from my Nikon, which is super happy to be used!

Go to my flickr here

I have a plan and I'm sticking to it.

I'm making headway with life right now, and I'm kind of proud of myself.

I have started saving towards the new dining room table that I want. I've also made a dent in the one credit card bill that I have. My goal is to have the card paid off by the end of the year, or close too it, because I know that my hours at Lowes will be cut then. I want to have a bit of a safety net by not having that credit card bill over my head.

I'm also learning that my store cards only get minimal use, that way I don't have to worry about excess bills at the end of each month.

I'm getting there.

Its hard.

But I'm doing it.

I've Made Progress

I've accomplished quite a bit this weekend, and considering I've not got a single day off from here to the end of the month, that is an amazing thing.

I have my dining room floor (aka the floor from hell) looking more like a floor. Hopefully by Saturday night, it will be more tolerable, so I won't be ashamed to have people in my house on Easter Sunday.

I have everything needed for Easter dinner and my house is nicely decorated.

I donated extra throw blankets to a local animal rescue.

Heck I even got 2 things for me! I got a spare pair of shoes for work and a paperback! Woo to the hoo!

Oh and on the financial front, 2 bills are paid off. Now to really start focusing on paying down one more credit card, because this year there are things I need to get for the holidays, like a new Christmas tree and more importantly a new dining room table, unless there is someone out there that could work a miracle on my old one.

So I've Got A Planner

I do a lot of book tours these days. And keeping a spreadsheet was just not working for me, so I bought myself a cheap day planner at Dollar General to see if I can make this work.

Mostly its for writing down the book tours that I take part of, over on my other blog.

I imagine now I'll also use it for my work schedule too.

I can't believe how much fancy planners cost.

Its essentially a fancy calendar with stickers.

I just don't have a life that ever needed planning. I'm still not sure that I do, but hey, it makes me feel a little bit important.

Oh and I might start to remember birthdays!