Monday, December 17, 2018

I Am Mad At Mommy

Is it wrong of me to be mad at my mother, even though she's been gone almost two months now?

I'm mad because I'm going to be working two jobs, not because I want to, but because I have to.

I've said before, I would never have changed what I did for her, daddy or grandma. I love them all with every fiber of my being. There weren't opportunities at the time that would have taken me away from them, and truth be told, I didn't go looking.

I am mad that we didn't start trying to get more stuff in order before it came to this. That I didn't have the chance to get on the budget plan for my gas bill.

I guess this is just beating a dead horse, and lordy that sounds awful considering, but I would have liked to have been better prepared for what I'm dealing with right now.

I'm doing my best to make a go of it on my own, but its scary and I don't have many people I can turn to for help.

Friday, December 14, 2018


A Facebook post about a Christmas children's book got me thinking of my childhood and books and forts.

Yeah forts.

When I was little, I was always building things with books. My Little Golden Books made many a castle in our living room.

Now don't worry, I still read them. In fact, I've done my best to hunt down copies of some of my more loved books. I refused to give them away to anyone, especially my Richard Scarry books. Those were always my favorite.

I didn't always build things out of books though. I remember one of the years when my mom was a Girl Scout leader and all the boxes of cookies were in the living room.

Oh yes, I arranged them into a castle.

I hated when they had to be broken down and the cookies distributed, because that castle was a great place to hide.

I wish I could build one now and hide from the world.

Those were simpler times

Thursday, December 13, 2018

They Are Both Gone

Now I know most of you will think I'm crazy when I say this, but I don't care. I have always felt my father's presence in my home.

I would be down in the basement and I'd swear I'd hear someone calling me. Or I would be in the kitchen, cooking supper or hunting down food.

Or something wouldn't be working and all of a sudden, it was back to normal. (I'm looking at you bathtub drain)

Since mommy passed, that feeling that Daddy was in my home watching over me is mostly gone. He stayed a little bit, or maybe he popped back to check on me once or twice very early on, but it doesn't feel like he's there anymore.

Mama left and she took daddy with her. Wherever they are, I know they are both together, and she had waited 4 long years to have him again.

I know as much as my mama wanted to stay with all of us, she missed daddy more than anything. Whenever the song "I Know I'll Never Find Another You" by The Searchers would come on The Ed Sullivan Show or on Pandora, she would cry, because she knew there was only daddy for her. Yes, she had loves in her life before she met him, but Daddy was her one true love. A love that romance novels were made of.  60 + years of marriage.  Ups and downs always along the way, but always love.  Love that most of us can't dream of having, because people just aren't programmed the way they were in the time they grew up.

I wish I could feel them both one more time and know that they were there, in my house, that I bought to keep my mama safe and warm, when I couldn't do that in our old home, the home I grew up in and loved, even though it was falling apart. I wish I could feel their comforting presence.

Yes, I believe in ghosts, maybe not in the way you see on TV or in books. I know Daddy went to heaven, but I also know he was with mommy every step of the way, until she could be back with him.

I hope they are waiting for me.

Monday, December 10, 2018

Making It Through The Weekend

This past weekend was hard.

Friday would have been mom's 85th birthday. I made her, her favorite pineapple angel food cake, because I just didn't know what to do..

My brother was home to help with the house a bit. We got the furniture cleaned and I did some scrubbing work on the bathtub. Never ever use a brown shower mat in a white tub. I finally have a mostly white tub again. YAY!

I did some retail therapy yesterday because saying at home was too much for me.

I bought this cute little bird with glasses. I've named him Simon and some tree ornaments, though lord knows I really don't need them. I just needed to do something. I did get some grocery shopping done with things for Christmas candy, flour and sugar etc for cookies. I also got a few tops at Goodwill. I wish I could find pants somewhere on the cheap. I hate being short and dumpy. I also hate it being cold, so that exercise is just not fun in the outdoors, which is where I like to exercise. I like walking..but anyway..thanks to my brother and some retail therapy. I survived. I still miss mommy desperately, but I survived

Thursday, December 06, 2018

Recapping 2018

This year is full of suck.

I'm trying to look back at good things that happened this year, but when your mom dies in Oct that kind of washes away any nice things that occurred in the months prior.

Still I want to remember some good things.

1. Watching Ed Sullivan reruns with mom and discovering a new love for classic pop, like Petula Clark, who I saw in concert about 10 days after her passing.

2. Discovering new music on Pandora and I 💗 Radio . I fell in love with more Celtic bands like The High Kings and Port Isaac's Fisherman's Friends. I have to admit that right now I can't listen to them much because they make me sad.

3. Critter Country Animal Park is always high on my list of favorite places to visit and I did get there once this summer, before mom got too sick.

4. Kennywood's Holiday Lights made me very happy this past weekend

5. I loved playing with my nephew's sweet little dog Zoey at his holiday party

6. Getting my new Nook!

7. Birthday dinner at Eat N' Park, though now I wish I could have spent the whole day with my mom.

I can't think of much more that would be good highlights. I've had some nasty crap happen..from the bathroom wall issues...roof issues...Mokey issues that actually started on Christmas Eve 2017.  Like all years, there's good and bad. I still say this year was more bad than good.

Wednesday, December 05, 2018

Parties and Holiday Lights At Kennywood

My last weekend was exhausting. My nephew had a Ugly Sweater Party on Saturday and I was dragged out of the house for that.

I felt kind of out of place in a land of twentysomethings, but thanks to a few party games like Cards Against Humanity, I had a great time.

Sunday we were off to Kennywood and though the first part of the day was a bit of a cluster-f-k, I am so glad I went. The lights were amazing and though we didn't ride anything I got to see the park for the first time in many many years. I felt very festive by the end of the day.

Tuesday, December 04, 2018

I Was Offered A PT Job

Part of me is nervous about working 2 jobs another part of me is excited about starting a new chapter in my life. I also have 2 other interviews this week, because parts of my life don't feel quite stable right now, and that is more than just the huge hole my mother left.

I know financial security is not a guarantee anywhere, but I'm looking for it, or something close to it.

I want to not feel like I have to be worried 24/7 and that's how my life has been for the last 2 months.

As of Dec 15, I'll be training at Lowe's as a customer service rep.

Any little bit helps right now, and the pay is close to what I make in my FT job, plus I have the opportunity to get dental insurance after awhile, so that's a great thing.

So fingers crossed for me. Life may be looking up. It can't look brighter, because without mommy, the world will never be as bright again.

Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Things I Got From My Mother

Its nearly Thanksgiving and though I'd be more thankful if I had my mother with me for this day, I am thankful for the things she gave me over the years.

I'm thankful for all the love she gave me, even when I probably didn't deserve it.

I am thankful for all the help she gave me when I fucked up royally and I did that often, even if helping me fucked up her life too.

I am thankful for her giving me her love of cooking.

I am thankful for her giving me her love of beauty, like the flowers at Phipps Conservatory and Longwood Gardens.

I am even thankful I got her "worry" gene, because that means I care deeply about things.

I am thankful that she taught me that family is important, and that you need them, even if you have to bite your tongue sometimes.

I am thankful she taught me the love of holidays, even those summer ones that I hate cooking for.

The only thing she didn't give me was the ability to live without her, and I really don't know how to do that.

I miss her so much.

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Trying to Exist

Since mom has been gone, it seems like everything in my life is going haywire.

Take this for example.

And then everything behind the mortar went screwy..and yeah...

Nothing is going right at the moment.

I don't know where to start because Dad was the fixit man, and well...he's been gone 4 years..and I just don't know who to ask for help or how to find someone.

I want to paint the tub eventually, though that's not important. The important thing is getting the shower back up and running.

This is a real case of life delivering more lemons than I can handle right now.