Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Missing Mama

You have no idea how much I miss my mom.

There's so much I want to tell her. To talk to her about.

I want to tell her about all the recipes I've tried.

The things going on in my life.

About my job at Lowes.

I know if there's a heaven, she knows, but my faith is easily shaken these days. This world doesn't make it easy to have faith.

I used to feel my father's presence in my home, but when mom passed, he went with her.

I found myself thinking today of when they told us she was dying. My sister and I stayed at the hospital and I just kept repeating "I love you." over and over and over. I think she wanted to bop me, but I have always had the fear that the people I've loved the most didn't know how much they were loved, be it my mom, my dad or my grandmother.

I can still hear my own scream when I went to my gram's house and found her gone. It was probably the worst day of my life, because even at 101, she was spunky.

I know I'm depressed.

I know I have to move on, and I'm doing it, but there's such a huge hole in my life where she once was.

1 comments:

Diane said...

It's still early in your grieving, Andrea so cut yourself some slack. When a person is so close to the people they love - especially when you are single handedly caring for them day in and day out - no one can expect you to just "snap out of it and move on". I currently volunteer for hospice and I see grief manifested in many different ways. You are no different than many of the people I see. Be kind to yourself. I choose to believe I will see all my loved ones and animals when I cross over and that keeps me steady. The greatest loss of my life was my grandmother and 37 years later it's still as fresh as that day so I totally get it. Thinking of you.