Struggling With My Faith

For many years I've had issues with organized religion. I know I'm not the only one. I'm not a fallen away Catholic, though I probably was for awhile.

When my mother passed away in Oct, I returned to the church. The new priests were welcoming and kind. I wish they had been there when my father was sick and dying.  That was the one thing that pushed me away. We had a priest that just didn't minister to the sick as well as I would have liked, and didn't offer comfort when dad was gone.

In fact, the deaths of both my parents make me feel like I've been left to flounder when it comes to religion.  I know I had a stronger than usual bond with my parents. They were my life. Words cannot express how much I miss them and still need them in my life.

I've received nothing from hospice to deal with my grief, and really nothing from my parish either, though when we have one priest, he always asks how I'm doing, so there's that.

Today we had Father Pat, who I jokingly, behind his back call Father Lurch. You'd have to see him. He's a big hulking guy, who reminds me of the butler for the Addams Family. You know, Lurch.

But back to my story. He talked about when his mother passed away several years back and how he was sad and joyful. Sad that his mother had died but joyful that she was with the Lord.

I am not joyful. I am not comforted by the thought that my mother is in heaven.

I am selfish. I still need her desperately. I need her advice. I need her to argue with. I need her hugs. I need her presence.

There is no way I have any bit of joy, that's faith based in my mother's passing, or my father's for that matter, even though he's been gone over 4 years.

I want to find comfort that they are with God, but I can't. I struggle with that. I believe that there's something more. I hope there is something more, because if there isn't, so many lives are just wasted.

I wish I could grow in my faith...but I fear I will always have doubts.