I'm Plagued By Dreams

Any time I have a dream I can remember one of my parents were in it in some way or another. Last night I dreamed that my nephew, Michael, found a photo collage of mommy and I, meeting Michael Crawford. You know, the hunky guy that played Phantom?

Needless to say, that wasn't a real thing, but I could see those photos in my head, like they really existed. I could see mommy and I standing with Michael. Again, it never happened, but I think there was a time when we both wished it would have.

At least part of me knows why my head is coming up with these things. Yesterday I was desperate to listen to music, but as I went to Youtube to find something, because I don't keep much music on my computer anymore, all I could find were videos of artists mommy and I listened to on Pandora and I ❤ Radio in her last year.  I just can't listen to that anymore, as much as I love it. It makes me cry, and I am so sick of crying. I do it most every day for some reason or another relating back to mommy.

I miss her so very much.

Another Weird Dream

Last week I had several dreams with my daddy in them. They all revolved around the car and buying the car.

I dreamed about my mother last night. We were walking down 5th ST hill in my town, something she hadn't done in years. We talked about her illness and she knew she was dying. I asked if she wanted to go to the hospital as we walked, and she said no.

I told her, I wasn't going to leave her. I wouldn't let go. Not this time. I wouldn't do it.

See back in Oct, I went to work on the day she passed and I didn't make it home. She was gone before I could get there.

My heart hurts so much because of this.  Yet, my mom was gone that morning, before I said goodbye for work.  I know it, but I will forever feel guilty about going in that day, when I could have held her hand and kept telling her how much I love her.

I could never tell her I loved her enough. She was the most important person in my life...and now she's gone.

Meet Seraphina Soul

She's a 2011 Kia Soul. I really like her, but she's going to be the reason I'm eating a lot of Ramen for the time being. She's tiny but very roomy and her owners were very good to her.

Struggling With My Faith

For many years I've had issues with organized religion. I know I'm not the only one. I'm not a fallen away Catholic, though I probably was for awhile.

When my mother passed away in Oct, I returned to the church. The new priests were welcoming and kind. I wish they had been there when my father was sick and dying.  That was the one thing that pushed me away. We had a priest that just didn't minister to the sick as well as I would have liked, and didn't offer comfort when dad was gone.

In fact, the deaths of both my parents make me feel like I've been left to flounder when it comes to religion.  I know I had a stronger than usual bond with my parents. They were my life. Words cannot express how much I miss them and still need them in my life.

I've received nothing from hospice to deal with my grief, and really nothing from my parish either, though when we have one priest, he always asks how I'm doing, so there's that.

Today we had Father Pat, who I jokingly, behind his back call Father Lurch. You'd have to see him. He's a big hulking guy, who reminds me of the butler for the Addams Family. You know, Lurch.

But back to my story. He talked about when his mother passed away several years back and how he was sad and joyful. Sad that his mother had died but joyful that she was with the Lord.

I am not joyful. I am not comforted by the thought that my mother is in heaven.

I am selfish. I still need her desperately. I need her advice. I need her to argue with. I need her hugs. I need her presence.

There is no way I have any bit of joy, that's faith based in my mother's passing, or my father's for that matter, even though he's been gone over 4 years.

I want to find comfort that they are with God, but I can't. I struggle with that. I believe that there's something more. I hope there is something more, because if there isn't, so many lives are just wasted.

I wish I could grow in my faith...but I fear I will always have doubts.

The Week From Hell

My life has turned to crap since my mother passed away.

I'll blame her because she's not here to defend herself..

But seriously, between the issues with the house and the cat dying...guess what else has hit me.

I need a new vehicle.

Yeah..like ASAP.

Well maybe not ASAP but by March 31, when my state inspection runs out. I passed emissions, but the body on my Focus is shot and it won't pass inspection.

So I'm off today to start looking. I have my eye on a 2012 Kia Soul that has low mileage and a decent price tag. I know nothing about car buying, so I'm prepared to be taken advantage of.

This has not been my day, week, month or year.

RIP Gumdrop

My sweet Gumdrop passed away Saturday night.

I can only say that I am totally devastated.

I love my kitties all very much, but she touched the hearts of everyone who met her both human and animal alike.

She was in my life for nearly 11 years. We rescued her in July of 2008 and she was around three at the time.

Fly with the angels to mommy and daddy and all the furbabies that passed before you.

Until we meet again my sweet girl.

Where Have I Been?

Well its been quite awhile since I blogged here last.

Where have I been.

I think the simple answer is work.

I'm working my regular job M-F but I'm also picking up around 15 hours at Lowes now a week, so my ends have a chance to meet.

I have to admit, I'm tired.

Very very tired.

Which is why I haven't been stringing many sentences together lately.

I have been reading a bit more, which is fabulous and practicing my bookstgram stuff. Here are a few of my bookish photos. Can you tell I love my new lantern?