Things I Got From My Mother

Its nearly Thanksgiving and though I'd be more thankful if I had my mother with me for this day, I am thankful for the things she gave me over the years.

I'm thankful for all the love she gave me, even when I probably didn't deserve it.

I am thankful for all the help she gave me when I fucked up royally and I did that often, even if helping me fucked up her life too.

I am thankful for her giving me her love of cooking.

I am thankful for her giving me her love of beauty, like the flowers at Phipps Conservatory and Longwood Gardens.

I am even thankful I got her "worry" gene, because that means I care deeply about things.

I am thankful that she taught me that family is important, and that you need them, even if you have to bite your tongue sometimes.

I am thankful she taught me the love of holidays, even those summer ones that I hate cooking for.

The only thing she didn't give me was the ability to live without her, and I really don't know how to do that.

I miss her so much.

Trying to Exist

Since mom has been gone, it seems like everything in my life is going haywire.

Take this for example.

And then everything behind the mortar went screwy..and yeah...

Nothing is going right at the moment.

I don't know where to start because Dad was the fixit man, and well...he's been gone 4 years..and I just don't know who to ask for help or how to find someone.

I want to paint the tub eventually, though that's not important. The important thing is getting the shower back up and running.

This is a real case of life delivering more lemons than I can handle right now.

I've Been Away

I think most people close to me know why I haven't been blogging.

On Wednesday, Oct 24 around about 1 o'clock, my world collapsed.

My mother passed away.

There is nothing that can be done to make me feel any better or make me want to go on with my life. I don't know how to live without her. I've spent my life with her, 44 years, just 20 shy of how long she was married to my father.

She was my life.

I took care of her and daddy and grandma, and now I have no one and it isn't easy. Everything, and I do mean everything makes me sad.

And like when my father passed away, she was taken from us close to the holidays. It will be 4 years since my dad died on Nov 16. Though I know she wanted to be with him, none of us were ready for this, even though we knew it was coming.

All I can say is that my heart is shattered.