Happy Birthday Sir Paul!

I can't fathom that Paul is 77 and that I've loved his music ALL OF MY LIFE. My first musical memories are of watching The Beatles cartoons.

My favorite song at age 5 was I'll Follow The Sun.

One of my first albums was Tug of War.

He is what I think when you say musical legend.

A Few Things

1. I am almost done with my 7 day stretch at Lowes and I am dead tired.

2. Finding easy meal options to make at 10 pm is in no way easy.

3. I just want to go somewhere and hide for a few days.

4. I want to take pictures but I have no days off, so I can't go anywhere.

5. I think one of my friends from work is going to cut and color my hair. Yay!

Grumbling

I spent the better part of last week miserable with a cough and no voice.

Then my brother in law's brother died.

Then the brother in law gets sick, and long story short there, I was scared he was going to land in the hospital.

The roof is having issues again, which could potentially screw up my getting the dining room table in August, like I hoped.

I'm just not a happy camper right now at all.

All I want is 8 hours of sleep at this point.

Beatley Ramblings Return

I really need to change the channel on my Sirius radio, but I can't get away from The Beatles.

Here are things that I've thought about the guys lately.

The reason the Beatles were different from just about every group at the time, and for the most part now is that there was an abundance of talent. John and Paul may have been the leaders in songwriting and vocals, but they gave everyone a chance to shine.

Whether or not they chose to admit it, John and Paul needed each other. Without the other their songs either slipped off into the weird and hypocrital (Im looking at you John)  to the sickeningly sweet ( uh Paul)

John always went for the more avant garde, but as George Harrison was quoted as saying that's French for bullshit. So yeah there are beautiful songs. Imagine is lovely and so is Mind Games, but when you start looking at the man that wrote them, and his actions, their sparkle gets a little tarnished. I've always felt its a bit ridiculous to hear a millionaire sing "Imagine no possessions." This came from the man who told David Bowie, "You bastard, you wish you had my money" jokingly at one point.

Paul was more a pop song writer. That's what he has always done best. Still, I find some of his better songs to have come from his collaboration with Elvis Costello, who has a little bit of Lennon's snark. I know I've said this over and over, but they really should have done a whole album together.

Back to Paul..I don't know why pop songs get dismissed. The early Beatles songs were just that. Why does music have to always be pushing the envelope. Why can't it just be fun? I mean I adore songs like Ballroom Dancing and My Brave Face. Music doesn't have to be deep and thoughtful, sometimes it just has to make you feel good.

I think that's why I like Ringo's stuff. It's pop..its fun..it doesn't take itself too seriously.

I want to talk about George but ahhhh George. I read an article that dissed most of his solo work other than Crackerbox Palace and All Things Must Pass.

I know I'm in the minority, but I loved Extra Texture. I also adored the 80s super strange flop, Gone Troppo. I also loved the self titled George Harrison album and Somewhere In England

Pollen Sucks

I've kind of been under the weather or under something or other for the last 4 days to varying degrees. Not feeling totally sick but feeling mostly miserable. Even more fun was waking up on Saturday to no voice when you have to work a 9 hour shift.

Speaking of that 9 hr shift. It wasn't in my usual area of the store, and I got bit up by mosquitoes while I was there.

Enter more misery.

Managed to make it through Sunday which was insanely busy, only to have to deal with Campy's Pizza who doesn't like to sell food when they are busy.

Seriously, I called for a carry out and they said..."well it will be 40 minutes."

Like, so? I still want my damn pizza.

Also..had to do laundry as well.

I totally hate the laundromat, but the work involved in getting a washer/drier in my home outweigh the misery of sitting there for 1.5 each week.

Yesterday I was just so damn tired, I don't know how I manage to make supper. I slept til 6 once I got home from work, then I made dinner and was out like a light for the rest of the night.

I'm still coughing my head off whenever I do too much, but mostly I feel more human today.

The End of May

My accomplishments for May

Paid extra on my credit card.

Put away twice what I planned to save this month

Got to go to Phipps and Trax and even Mingo Park on my 2 days off.

Decreased my food waste.

Got my dining room floor to an almost good status.

See I accomplished much!

Trax and Mingo

I got to 2 of my favorite places over the weekend, Trax Farms and Mingo Park.

I bought some lovely zinnia's for the back yard and some yummy food. Oh and I bought WINE! I also got to see my favorite covered bridge, The Henry.

See! I even have visual proof that I was at the Henry!

I love taking flower pictures, but you'll have to head over to my flickr page to have a look at those. I'm actually really excited that I've already updated flickr a few times this year. Most are from my phone, but the big updates were from my Nikon, which is super happy to be used!

Go to my flickr here

I have a plan and I'm sticking to it.

I'm making headway with life right now, and I'm kind of proud of myself.

I have started saving towards the new dining room table that I want. I've also made a dent in the one credit card bill that I have. My goal is to have the card paid off by the end of the year, or close too it, because I know that my hours at Lowes will be cut then. I want to have a bit of a safety net by not having that credit card bill over my head.

I'm also learning that my store cards only get minimal use, that way I don't have to worry about excess bills at the end of each month.

I'm getting there.

Its hard.

But I'm doing it.

I Survived Pittsburgh

We decided to give Phipps a try yesterday.

A few things.

1. After 10 years its hard to remember, the second turn off in Schneley Park is for Phipps. Note...read the banner signs they help. Yeah..that took a half hour to get back and find parking, as I said, with graduation and the gorgeous day it was makes for NO FREAKING PARKING

2. Phipps is getting way expensive and though Van Gogh In Bloom was beautiful, they were more creative in using their themes when I was a little girl. It's $17.95 there and it only takes about an hour or 2 of your time. If you drive to Philly and go to Longwood Gardens it's $23, but you'll need most of the day to appreciate the beauty.

3. I still think the Cathedral of Learning is one of the best buildings in Pittsburgh

4. How did I forget that the Panther Hollow Bridge is a "lock" bridge

5.  I totally want to eat at The Porch one day when I have some spare cash.

6. Chulily Glass is still amusing

Plans Going Awry

Every time I think I am going to go somewhere with my camera, something goes wrong.

I thought I'd get to Phipps this weekend.

Nope!

At least I don't think so.

Its commencement weekend at CMU, which is basically where Phipps Conservatory is located.

All I want to do is take some pretty pictures of flowers? Or something?

Why is it when I think I might get a chance at using my camera, things get all screwed up?

Grrrr

Beatle-y Ramblings

This is what happens when you subscribe to SiriusXM and only listen to The Beatles channel.

I have been doing a lot of reading on The Beatles again. I seriously need to stop this. It is bad for my health!

One thing that comes to mind with the demise of the Lennon/McCartney songwriting partnership is that Paul didn't try to find someone to write with until the 80s when he wrote with Elvis Costello. Then I start wondering again, why they didn't do more writing together.

If you listen to the collaborations on Flowers in the Dirt, Spike and Mighty Like a Rose, you'll hear a very Beatle-y vibe to those McCartney/MacManus tunes. They were good. Damn good! Some poppy and some dark. It really felt like Paul had found another foil in Elvis.

Listening to Paul's solo music and music with Wings you'll see, Paul's songwriting is often erratic, truthfully, John's was too, though he wasn't as prolific and then his life was cut short, so we really can't judge him.

Paul's music has always been pop and I think that's why, even though it can be obnoxious, Silly Love Songs is the perfect unapologetic tune. This is what he writes and what he's good at. He's also good at just plain silly, with songs like Uncle Albert and Ballroom Dancing. There's a big child lurking in Paul, I think.

George's writing is more consistent, but I think that's because, George seldom had writing partners. His music was him, warts and all. Sure he could be silly, but it was more dry humor when it comes to George's music, whereas Paul's songwriting was more simple

A Tale of a Child And Her Ravioli

I was heating up my can of ravioli for lunch today. Not the Chef, the Aldi version, and I got hit with a memory from a summer long gone.

I think I was 5 or 6 when our family vacation included a trip to Niagara Falls, NY.  Its the only time I've been to the falls. I've gone across the rainbow bridge one other time in my senior year of high school, but that summer was the only time I've seen the falls.

We were on the Canadian side, because that's really the best view of the falls, and we were going to have lunch or dinner or something. The places was absolutely beautiful. Even 40 years gone, I remember that. I knew this was a fancy special place.

We looked at the menu and I saw ravioli.

I'm a kid...so this is fabulous! Something I like that isn't a hot dog!

Then it comes.

And it isn't Chef-Boyardee.

Can you imagine how disappointed I was. It tasted nothing like what I was used to.

Needless to say, I didn't eat it, and mom and dad probably wanted to kill me because this was back in the day before microwaves were in everyone's motel rooms.

I have flashbacks even now of that day when I open a can, even though I love "real" ravioli much more these days.

Happy Mother's Day

 To all the mother's out there,  I wish you a good day.

My two ladies are both gone.

Mama, and grandmama, I love you so much. I've said it so many times.

If only there could be one more day. I would make sure you both knew how much love I have for you. Mama, I know you knew it...Grandma I know you did too, but I always feel bad that life kept me from you so much.

There is never ever enough time

Feeling Beatle-y

When I bought my little Kia, it came with a trial subscription to Sirius radio. I didn't know this until about 4 weeks ago when they started reminding me that it was about to expire.

Well that's when I discovered The Beatles channel.

ARGH!

I've been listening to it non-stop for all that time.

Which also means I was learning more about the guys than I did before. See when I was at the height of my Beatle-y fangirlishness, I didn't have the internet, so a lot of the guys lives were a mystery to me.

Not anymore.

So...all of them where manwhores, especially George. (sigh)

John was a manwhore and a jackass. The more I read about him and his treatment of Cyn and Julian makes me want to bitchslap him.

I always thought Jane Asher chose her career over Paul. hahahahaha...she came home and found him in bed with another woman. And he had little bits on the side up until he married Linda, which makes me wonder how she kept him on the straight and narrow.

I guess I learn something new every day and likely I'm not going to like it.

I Got Out Of PA

Ok, only for a few hours, but I finally got down to Triadelphia last night.

Seriously, the drive was murder thanks to rain, construction and some really shitty drivers...

But I got to a bookstore

I have to admit, gifty things wise, I could have spent loads of money there. I did buy my nephew a t-shirt, cos I seem to get him one once a month or so. I got an awesome beanie owl and a funko Dr. Seuss figure.

I also got to reenact my favorite scene from Despicable Me.

Then we went to Cheddar's Scratch Kitchen. BTW...so pissed off that Spasagna isn't on the menu anymore, but I had Key lime chicken and shrimp and a rather strawberry-y sangria

My favorite thing about this restaurant is the big in wall fish tank.

Yes, I am easily amused, but it was a good night, and I had fun...and my new little Kia got to go for a drive.

My Favorite Hobby

I think most of my friends remember how much I love photography. My cameras were always a huge part of my life, until I couldn't get out much because of my parents illnesses.

I did vow to start taking more pictures again.

Take a look at my flickr page to see some of the shots of my flower garden from yesterday. I was actually using my Kodak for awhile, rather than my phone. Not all of them are great but I think there are a couple shots of my blooms that look rather nice.

I did get one pretty awesome shot with my phone yesterday when I was walking to my mailbox at work.

I'm not sure what kind of tree this is, but its blossoms are gorgeous!

My Dog is Weird.

I just have to share this photo everywhere, because its so darn cute.

My little Scratty is so not right!

But she's also so sweet, at least to us  and she does the weirdest things, like bury herself under the blankets...or stealing one of Mokey's cans of Royal Canin so she can guard it all day long, growling at anyone that happens by.

Yup, she's weird. Very weird indeed.

So Angry I Can Spit

My lawn care guy up and quit on me.  I knew he was getting married, but I had spoken to him about a month ago and it seemed like things were on track.

Yesterday I sent him a text to see if we were on schedule for this week. I knew he had a 3 week honeymoon. (It must be freaking nice) He responded late, he wasn't doing grass cutting this year..and maybe my boss' son or a neighbor kid could do it.

WTF!

Seriously, I always liked this guy. He was kind and seemed smart. But no joke, this is not how you treat someone. He could have at least done one week.

My lawn looks like shit right now, because I was expecting it to be done this week and because of the monsoon like weather we were having.

Thankfully my brother in law will be able to do my lawn, because otherwise I'd be screwed.

Also this guy was the one that was going to look at my bathroom for me to see if doing the wall surround was a viable option..so yeah, I'm doubly screwed.

Further Proof That Walmart Is The Devil's Doing

I avoid Walmart as much as I possibly can, but there are some things I can't get anywhere else. My Pledge Revive It is one of them.

I usually make a trip there once or maybe twice a month, usually when I work a close shift at Lowes, because I like to be at Walmart during their off times.

Well...screw that.

I went last Sunday night after my shift ended for a grocery order.

It was peaceful there. I didn't have to recite my "Its not polite to kill people," mantra.

Until I went to check out.

They had speedy check outs for 12 items or less..the rest of us were stuck with Self Check Out.

Self CHECK OUT!!

Now pardon me if this sounds dumb, but wouldn't it make more sense to have 2 regular registers open, because self check out is much easier when you are buying fewer items not when you are buying your weekly grocery order.

To which I say ...fucking Walmart!

Whatever Happened to Family Sitcoms?

If you watch a lot of classic tv and hang around the channel's message boards/Facebook pages etc, you'll see a lot of people bemoaning the lack of good tv.

Well there is good tv out there, you just have to look for it, but really the family sitcom seems to be a thing of the past. The Middle was really the only show in recent years on the major networks that the whole family could watch. It was also good in the way that you didn't have a "smart mom" and "stupid dad" thing going on..or even better...the goofy looking dad and the "hot mom."  It kind of falls under the Leonard and Penny thing from Big Bang Theory. How does a goofy looking smart guy get a girl like Penny, even when THE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN COMMON.  Sorry, that whole dynamic has always bugged me, especially when Howard and Sheldon both end up with equally smart partners.

Early sitcoms had parents at least on equal footing or absent parents..because the dad's were always widowers. The family sitcom starting dying in the 90s, after The Cosby Show ended its run. Sure shows like Full House, Family Matters and of course Home Improvement lasted well into the 90s..and later Boy Meets World..but the amount of shows with family being a central figure...and without sex being the premise of almost every episode, has faded into obscurity, especially if you don't watch cable.

Its really a sad sorry shame that this type of programming can't make a comeback.

What's your favorite family sitcom?

Oh and as an aside, Disney really did the best sitcoms in recent years, like Good Luck Charlie (which my dad loved) and The Wizards of Waverly Place.

So Many Tears

I think the only thing anyone can talk about right now is the horrific fire at Notre Dame. I remember seeing the first reports yesterday and thinking, please, let them get it out quickly.

Then please let it be saved.

Then I saw the tweet that the POTUS made...and I grew angry, because that man has not a single once of compassion in his entire body. He should have a handler and that handler should take his phone and crush it into thousands of tiny pieces to save him, and the rest of the country from any further embarrassment his tweeting self can cause.

My next thoughts were for the French people..This is history that was being destroyed. History that survived many wars, but was felled by fire.

My tears are for them, because modern materials can't hold a candle to what was build 800 years ago. Its unbelievable.

Then I saw the people of Paris singing Ave Maria, and I had hope, hope for my faith, hope for humanity.

In grief and tragedy, hope will always find a way to shine.

I know I will never see Notre Dame in my life, but it is important to so many people and the world...So glad that in the light of day, though the destruction was vast...it wasn't complete.

I've Made Progress

I've accomplished quite a bit this weekend, and considering I've not got a single day off from here to the end of the month, that is an amazing thing.

I have my dining room floor (aka the floor from hell) looking more like a floor. Hopefully by Saturday night, it will be more tolerable, so I won't be ashamed to have people in my house on Easter Sunday.

I have everything needed for Easter dinner and my house is nicely decorated.

I donated extra throw blankets to a local animal rescue.

Heck I even got 2 things for me! I got a spare pair of shoes for work and a paperback! Woo to the hoo!

Oh and on the financial front, 2 bills are paid off. Now to really start focusing on paying down one more credit card, because this year there are things I need to get for the holidays, like a new Christmas tree and more importantly a new dining room table, unless there is someone out there that could work a miracle on my old one.

Busy Busy Busy

I've been work...

And I'll be working for the rest of the month.

But Wednesday when I had the time, I got some of my early spring flowers in. Aren't they adorable?

I'm Mad As Hell

I have always have a dysfunctional family. I don't mean that in a bad way, really, I just mean we all have messed up lives.

My mother did her best to hold us together and I became head chef of our little household when she couldn't.

I'm still head chef of the "Guy" family.

I've been working 2 jobs since Christmas. Its not fun, though I like most of the people I work with at job 2.

I'm tired all the time and I'm trying to keep up with as much as I can.

No one in my house does much to help.

I ask one to run the sweeper in their room, because one cat likes to leave crime scene fur marks on the carpet..does he do it?

Will he dust his room?

HELL NO.

I feed him. I get his allergy meds...etc...and he lives in my HOUSE. He is not my child.

He helps clean up after the animals...garbage and puts dishes away.

Anything else, is like pulling teeth.

Then there's my sister, who got herself into a SITUATION.

I feed her every night. Heck, I make sure there's peanut butter at least, in case she needs lunch. She's working 2 jobs until Sunday, when her better paying job starts.

Its only been 5 months since mom has been gone.  I don't want to alienate family, but I'm not anyone's mother, or caretaker.

I don't mind feeding people, when I have to cook.

I just wish cups weren't left on my counters that are dirty or on other furniture....or if just once someone would freaking do a dish besides me. Working 12.5 hours at least 4 days a week is not fun and yes, I'm complaining but only because NO ONE IS HELPING ME with some little things.

Daddy's Birthday

Yesterday would have been my daddy's 93rd birthday. It will be 5 years that he's been gone come November and though it is getting easier, these days hurt, especially since it is the first birthday of his without mommy too.

I think a lot about both of them.

So many of my memories involve food.

I made chicken fried rice yesterday and we talked about how he'd put "the red stuff" on it. The red stuff being the sweet and sour sauce. He loved that so much and when we got Chinese takeout it would go on just about anything, and he loved his sweet and sour chicken.

I can still tell you some of his favorite restaurant meals.

If you went to Cracker Barrel, he'd always get the sampler platter so he could get the ham and the chicken and dumplin's. If we went somewhere that had chicken pot pie, like Rock Bottom Brewery or Cheddars, he'd try to lick the plate clean.

Daddy enjoyed his food.

Oh and he loved the beer at Rock Bottom too.

I wish I could cook him one more meal that he'd enjoy...or take him to dinner one more time.

Its the one thing I've learned in the last 5 years. There's never ever enough time, and no matter what, no matter how you hate seeing someone you love sick, or how their illness takes away "them" NEVER EVER EVER stop telling them how much you love them, because one day you won't be able to do that, because they'll be gone.

Happier News

Back to the joys of budgeting.

1. Aldi dog food = $20 savings over the pedigree and cesar wet food Scratty eats. The cats also love the salmon wet food too which is 35 cents over the 55 to 65 cents for friskies.

2. The water bill went down 10 bucks! Woo hoo!

3. I'm learning the joys of dicing potatoes. A bag of o'brien potatoes costs $1.65 frozen at Aldi, but a 10 lb bag of potatoes is $3.49. 4 large potatoes diced makes a lot of o'brien potatoes for a side dish or for fritattas!

4. I've learned I only go shopping on a day where I've worked in Belle Vernon, thus saving money on gas. (At least when possible)

5. I am transitioning the cats back from 4health grain free to the regular 4health food. Its a dollar savings per bag, but each bag also has 2 lbs more food.

6. I'm still having issues with food for my damn lunches. I keep my nephew fed, but when it comes to me, if we don't have leftovers, I'm useless at figuring things out, especially if I'm working both jobs. I'm also trying to cut down on the trips to the fast food restaurants because I'm trying to cut back on my spending there. On a plus I think I'm losing weight, so there is that. Except I can't afford new clothes.

Budgeting Sucks

I am seriously so organized with things its crazy. One of my budget issues is pet food. At least when it comes to the little doggie and the canned cat food that my non-prescription eating cats get.

My kitties get one can a day..for the most part..but I'd say I buy about 40 cans per month. They love the food at Aldi and its very reasonable too. They get 4Health grain free from Tractor Supply for their dry food, which is about as cheap as it gets. $22.99 for an 18 lb bag.

Scratty loves Aldi's Heart to Tail that is comparable to Cesar and again, the price is right, however I don't get to Aldi as often as I used to. 49 cents for her little pans of food.

When you work 60+ hours a week, you try to budget your time. I like to be home sometime so I do my shopping when I'm in my area of work, because that's where a lot of the grocery stores are. I like buying my pet food all in one place so I know I'm not overspending but because its at Aldi I can't do that. The food gets lumped in with my food budget and then I get so confused.

I was thinking of doing a monthly buy at Chewy, but its not cost effective for either pet. Also Pet Supplies Plus hasn't been doing as many sales on Friskies..so when cans of wet food are only 35 cents..well...they get that.

Its this kind of thing that makes me nervous and worry and that wrecks my down time, which I don't have much of these days. I think its the money issues that make my grief so much stronger, because I don't have anyone to talk to about these things.

I just get so frustrated and I want my babies happy and healthy.

My Zen Lives

The weirdest thing happened today.

I saw my Zen Micro (the mp3 player) was turned off. It hasn't been charging well since long before mommy passed away, so that's going on 5 months now. I flipped its switch and saw it boot up..and I thought, good, it will at least get a little charge on.

I went and sat down at my computer and suddenly I could hear music coming from the earbuds across the room.

I went over and checked.

IT WAS FULLY CHARGED

I have absolutely no idea what changed that made the battery spring to life, but it did.

Woo hoo!

I love that old mp3 player so much!

I Survived The Facebook Outage

I don't know how I did, but I did.

How did we as a society come so far as to be reliant on such a horrible site?

I use it to connect with authors and learn about books and play mindless games. Oh and occasionally find a recipe or two. 

If I use it for anything else..and if I read comments on recipes I tend to want to explode.

How did we ever survive before Facebook?

I'm pretty sure we did it well...and I'm pretty sure we had more friends, because we might not have known all their political leanings, which these days causes a lot of anguish for most people.

I'm pretty sure we'd all be better off if the whole dang site just went away. 

Work Work Work

I think that work is all I do anymore. If I'm not at my day job, I'm at Lowes. I wish I could say that I was getting somewhere, but thanks to the new, used car, I'm getting nowhere fast.

All I want is to go somewhere...

To see something...

To put one of my cameras to good use.

Its been so long since I saw something new or just pretty.

Its bad enough right now I feel guilty if I want to do something for me because there's just so much that needs done or if I want to go somewhere because I've already budgeted in what I should be spending on gas for the month.

I don't know why I bother.

I'm Plagued By Dreams

Any time I have a dream I can remember one of my parents were in it in some way or another. Last night I dreamed that my nephew, Michael, found a photo collage of mommy and I, meeting Michael Crawford. You know, the hunky guy that played Phantom?

Needless to say, that wasn't a real thing, but I could see those photos in my head, like they really existed. I could see mommy and I standing with Michael. Again, it never happened, but I think there was a time when we both wished it would have.

At least part of me knows why my head is coming up with these things. Yesterday I was desperate to listen to music, but as I went to Youtube to find something, because I don't keep much music on my computer anymore, all I could find were videos of artists mommy and I listened to on Pandora and I ❤ Radio in her last year.  I just can't listen to that anymore, as much as I love it. It makes me cry, and I am so sick of crying. I do it most every day for some reason or another relating back to mommy.

I miss her so very much.

Another Weird Dream

Last week I had several dreams with my daddy in them. They all revolved around the car and buying the car.

I dreamed about my mother last night. We were walking down 5th ST hill in my town, something she hadn't done in years. We talked about her illness and she knew she was dying. I asked if she wanted to go to the hospital as we walked, and she said no.

I told her, I wasn't going to leave her. I wouldn't let go. Not this time. I wouldn't do it.

See back in Oct, I went to work on the day she passed and I didn't make it home. She was gone before I could get there.

My heart hurts so much because of this.  Yet, my mom was gone that morning, before I said goodbye for work.  I know it, but I will forever feel guilty about going in that day, when I could have held her hand and kept telling her how much I love her.

I could never tell her I loved her enough. She was the most important person in my life...and now she's gone.

Meet Seraphina Soul

She's a 2011 Kia Soul. I really like her, but she's going to be the reason I'm eating a lot of Ramen for the time being. She's tiny but very roomy and her owners were very good to her.

Struggling With My Faith

For many years I've had issues with organized religion. I know I'm not the only one. I'm not a fallen away Catholic, though I probably was for awhile.

When my mother passed away in Oct, I returned to the church. The new priests were welcoming and kind. I wish they had been there when my father was sick and dying.  That was the one thing that pushed me away. We had a priest that just didn't minister to the sick as well as I would have liked, and didn't offer comfort when dad was gone.

In fact, the deaths of both my parents make me feel like I've been left to flounder when it comes to religion.  I know I had a stronger than usual bond with my parents. They were my life. Words cannot express how much I miss them and still need them in my life.

I've received nothing from hospice to deal with my grief, and really nothing from my parish either, though when we have one priest, he always asks how I'm doing, so there's that.

Today we had Father Pat, who I jokingly, behind his back call Father Lurch. You'd have to see him. He's a big hulking guy, who reminds me of the butler for the Addams Family. You know, Lurch.

But back to my story. He talked about when his mother passed away several years back and how he was sad and joyful. Sad that his mother had died but joyful that she was with the Lord.

I am not joyful. I am not comforted by the thought that my mother is in heaven.

I am selfish. I still need her desperately. I need her advice. I need her to argue with. I need her hugs. I need her presence.

There is no way I have any bit of joy, that's faith based in my mother's passing, or my father's for that matter, even though he's been gone over 4 years.

I want to find comfort that they are with God, but I can't. I struggle with that. I believe that there's something more. I hope there is something more, because if there isn't, so many lives are just wasted.

I wish I could grow in my faith...but I fear I will always have doubts.

The Week From Hell

My life has turned to crap since my mother passed away.

I'll blame her because she's not here to defend herself..

But seriously, between the issues with the house and the cat dying...guess what else has hit me.

I need a new vehicle.

Yeah..like ASAP.

Well maybe not ASAP but by March 31, when my state inspection runs out. I passed emissions, but the body on my Focus is shot and it won't pass inspection.

So I'm off today to start looking. I have my eye on a 2012 Kia Soul that has low mileage and a decent price tag. I know nothing about car buying, so I'm prepared to be taken advantage of.

This has not been my day, week, month or year.

RIP Gumdrop

My sweet Gumdrop passed away Saturday night.

I can only say that I am totally devastated.

I love my kitties all very much, but she touched the hearts of everyone who met her both human and animal alike.

She was in my life for nearly 11 years. We rescued her in July of 2008 and she was around three at the time.

Fly with the angels to mommy and daddy and all the furbabies that passed before you.

Until we meet again my sweet girl.

Where Have I Been?

Well its been quite awhile since I blogged here last.

Where have I been.

I think the simple answer is work.

I'm working my regular job M-F but I'm also picking up around 15 hours at Lowes now a week, so my ends have a chance to meet.

I have to admit, I'm tired.

Very very tired.

Which is why I haven't been stringing many sentences together lately.

I have been reading a bit more, which is fabulous and practicing my bookstgram stuff. Here are a few of my bookish photos. Can you tell I love my new lantern?

Awaiting The Snow, Or Not

Well winter is ready to hit us hard.

Yesterday we had a little teaser system that made life sloppy as I left Job 1 for Job 2. Thankfully that wasn't too bad.

Saturday's snow is kinda scaring me, because I have to go to Job 2 at 12 o'clock. I don't want to lose my hours, so I hope Charleroi, is up on their game of cleaning the roads.

My other plans involve reading a few of these books to keep from going insane while the snow flies and maybe getting the house cleaned.

Here's hoping I can get some good pictures of the snow, if we get any worth mentioning.

Music Hurts

I remember when music was the thing that kept me going. I still have CDs piling up, though I haven't bought much new music lately.

But when I put music on, I think of my mama, and the music on Pandora that we used to sing together, whether it was music that she loved back in the day or the songs I loved.

Now it all makes me want to cry.

I can't listen to anything.

All the music that I loved hurts me now.

I keep telling myself that things aren't as bad as I thought they might be, but its so damn hard. Everything makes me think of mama, and I miss her so badly.

I just want to find some joy somewhere, something to make me feel like its worth going on.

More Than Just A Housewife, More Than Just A Mother

I read an article on Glenn Close's speech from the Golden Globe Awards last night and she said something that made me think of my mother.

OK, I think about my mother a lot, but that's beside the point.

In Glenn's speech she recalled that her mother felt that she sublimated herself to her husband and that in her 80s she felt she hadn't accomplished something.

Well, my mother, who was in her 80s, accomplished much. Perhaps not great things that amass wealth, or things that will be written down in history books or any book, but my mother did things. She made a difference in people's lives. She accomplished things. I truly believe she knew she had a full life in her 84 years.

When she decided she wanted to be a girl scout leader, she'd tell people she always wanted to be a teacher.

That may have been the case, but like many young women growing up in the 1950s, she wanted one thing, and that was to have a husband. I can recall her telling me, she was glad she met my father, because she wasn't really enjoying college.

So she chose the role of the housewife, but she also found ways do the things she wanted to do, and perhaps part of that was because of the man she married.

See, my father wasn't the typical alpha male, though he could be, when he wanted to be. He was a help mate. He brought home the bacon, so to speak, but he would help with the dishes, and in later years, he did the shopping and other chores too. He was a good man. Yes, he was in the generation that wanted their wife home, with a meal on the table when he came home from work, but he let my mom spread her wings, even if it were to be a scout leader and later a CCD teacher. There was grumbling, to be sure, but he let her do it nonetheless.

So though she wasn't a school teacher, my mother touched the lives of countless children she taught or had the care of over the years, and as she found herself in the hospital more often, she learned that when some of her Brownies or CCD students remembered her years later.

She did what she wanted, though she got there in a round about way.

I loved hearing her stories, though in her last months she shared a little too much about her personal life with my dad. She was definitely more than the mother I saw her to be and the world is a dimmer place without her light shining in it.

Yes, Emma Jane Guy accomplished much!

Redecorating?

No don't be judgy that I still have my tree up. I'm feeling a little blue about taking it down for one big reason.

I don't know what I can put in the spot that the tree is in.

My small couch used to be in that spot, until the hospital bed was taken out.

I don't want to think about that.

I just want to think about the fact that my living room is going to be very empty right now.

I have limited funds for the time being, but I'm looking for suggestions. I want the Christmas tree to occupy this spot every year for now on.

Please help?

Happy New Year!

2019 is upon us and really it can't be any worse than 2018

I don't usually do resolutions, but this year is really about a whole new chapter in my life, not a chapter I wanted, mind you, but one that I was forced to face.

This year, I want to do the following things:

1. I want use my camera more.

2. I want to make at least one small improvement to my house.

3. I want to see the places that I haven't been able to see in the last 8 years when I couldn't get away from my house.

4. I want to embrace my life, even though its damn hard living without my mama.

So I've Got A Planner

I do a lot of book tours these days. And keeping a spreadsheet was just not working for me, so I bought myself a cheap day planner at Dollar General to see if I can make this work.

Mostly its for writing down the book tours that I take part of, over on my other blog.

I imagine now I'll also use it for my work schedule too.

I can't believe how much fancy planners cost.

Its essentially a fancy calendar with stickers.

I just don't have a life that ever needed planning. I'm still not sure that I do, but hey, it makes me feel a little bit important.

Oh and I might start to remember birthdays!

I Am Mad At Mommy

Is it wrong of me to be mad at my mother, even though she's been gone almost two months now?

I'm mad because I'm going to be working two jobs, not because I want to, but because I have to.

I've said before, I would never have changed what I did for her, daddy or grandma. I love them all with every fiber of my being. There weren't opportunities at the time that would have taken me away from them, and truth be told, I didn't go looking.

I am mad that we didn't start trying to get more stuff in order before it came to this. That I didn't have the chance to get on the budget plan for my gas bill.

I guess this is just beating a dead horse, and lordy that sounds awful considering, but I would have liked to have been better prepared for what I'm dealing with right now.

I'm doing my best to make a go of it on my own, but its scary and I don't have many people I can turn to for help.

Memories

A Facebook post about a Christmas children's book got me thinking of my childhood and books and forts.

Yeah forts.

When I was little, I was always building things with books. My Little Golden Books made many a castle in our living room.

Now don't worry, I still read them. In fact, I've done my best to hunt down copies of some of my more loved books. I refused to give them away to anyone, especially my Richard Scarry books. Those were always my favorite.

I didn't always build things out of books though. I remember one of the years when my mom was a Girl Scout leader and all the boxes of cookies were in the living room.

Oh yes, I arranged them into a castle.

I hated when they had to be broken down and the cookies distributed, because that castle was a great place to hide.

I wish I could build one now and hide from the world.

Those were simpler times

They Are Both Gone

Now I know most of you will think I'm crazy when I say this, but I don't care. I have always felt my father's presence in my home.

I would be down in the basement and I'd swear I'd hear someone calling me. Or I would be in the kitchen, cooking supper or hunting down food.

Or something wouldn't be working and all of a sudden, it was back to normal. (I'm looking at you bathtub drain)

Since mommy passed, that feeling that Daddy was in my home watching over me is mostly gone. He stayed a little bit, or maybe he popped back to check on me once or twice very early on, but it doesn't feel like he's there anymore.

Mama left and she took daddy with her. Wherever they are, I know they are both together, and she had waited 4 long years to have him again.

I know as much as my mama wanted to stay with all of us, she missed daddy more than anything. Whenever the song "I Know I'll Never Find Another You" by The Searchers would come on The Ed Sullivan Show or on Pandora, she would cry, because she knew there was only daddy for her. Yes, she had loves in her life before she met him, but Daddy was her one true love. A love that romance novels were made of.  60 + years of marriage.  Ups and downs always along the way, but always love.  Love that most of us can't dream of having, because people just aren't programmed the way they were in the time they grew up.

I wish I could feel them both one more time and know that they were there, in my house...my house, that I bought to keep my mama safe and warm, when I couldn't do that in our old home, the home I grew up in and loved, even though it was falling apart. I wish I could feel their comforting presence.

Yes, I believe in ghosts, maybe not in the way you see on TV or in books. I know Daddy went to heaven, but I also know he was with mommy every step of the way, until she could be back with him.

I hope they are waiting for me.

Making It Through The Weekend

This past weekend was hard.

Friday would have been mom's 85th birthday. I made her, her favorite pineapple angel food cake, because I just didn't know what to do..

My brother was home to help with the house a bit. We got the furniture cleaned and I did some scrubbing work on the bathtub. Never ever use a brown shower mat in a white tub. I finally have a mostly white tub again. YAY!

I did some retail therapy yesterday because saying at home was too much for me.

I bought this cute little bird with glasses. I've named him Simon and some tree ornaments, though lord knows I really don't need them. I just needed to do something. I did get some grocery shopping done with things for Christmas bought...like candy, flour and sugar etc for cookies. I also got a few tops at Goodwill. I wish I could find pants somewhere on the cheap. I hate being short and dumpy. I also hate it being cold, so that exercise is just not fun in the outdoors, which is where I like to exercise. I like walking..but anyway..thanks to my brother and some retail therapy. I survived. I still miss mommy desperately, but I survived

Recapping 2018

This year is full of suck.

I'm trying to look back at good things that happened this year, but when your mom dies in Oct that kind of washes away any nice things that occurred in the months prior.

Still I want to remember some good things.

1. Watching Ed Sullivan reruns with mom and discovering a new love for classic pop, like Petula Clark, who I saw in concert about 10 days after her passing.

2. Discovering new music on Pandora and I 💗 Radio . I fell in love with more Celtic bands like The High Kings and Port Isaac's Fisherman's Friends. I have to admit that right now I can't listen to them much because they make me sad.

3. Critter Country Animal Park is always high on my list of favorite places to visit and I did get there once this summer, before mom got too sick.

4. Kennywood's Holiday Lights made me very happy this past weekend

5. I loved playing with my nephew's sweet little dog Zoey at his holiday party

6. Getting my new Nook!

7. Birthday dinner at Eat N' Park, though now I wish I could have spent the whole day with my mom.

I can't think of much more that would be good highlights. I've had some nasty crap happen..from the bathroom wall issues...roof issues...Mokey issues that actually started on Christmas Eve 2017.  Like all years, there's good and bad. I still say this year was more bad than good.

Parties and Holiday Lights At Kennywood

My last weekend was exhausting. My nephew had a Ugly Sweater Party on Saturday and I was dragged out of the house for that.

I felt kind of out of place in a land of twentysomethings, but thanks to a few party games like Cards Against Humanity, I had a great time.

Sunday we were off to Kennywood and though the first part of the day was a bit of a cluster-f-k, I am so glad I went. The lights were amazing and though we didn't ride anything I got to see the park for the first time in many many years. I felt very festive by the end of the day.

I Was Offered A PT Job

Part of me is nervous about working 2 jobs another part of me is excited about starting a new chapter in my life. I also have 2 other interviews this week, because parts of my life don't feel quite stable right now, and that is more than just the huge hole my mother left.

I know financial security is not a guarantee anywhere, but I'm looking for it, or something close to it.

I want to not feel like I have to be worried 24/7 and that's how my life has been for the last 2 months.

As of Dec 15, I'll be training at Lowe's as a customer service rep.

Any little bit helps right now, and the pay is close to what I make in my FT job, plus I have the opportunity to get dental insurance after awhile, so that's a great thing.

So fingers crossed for me. Life may be looking up. It can't look brighter, because without mommy, the world will never be as bright again.