With The Happy There Comes The Sad

I'm really down in the dumps. Trips away usually do that to me. I don't know why. Whenever I was a little girl and we'd go on family vacations to Erie or Lancaster, I'd spend a lot of the drive home crying, even though by the time I was about an hour from home, I was anxious to get there and back to the familiar.

That's how I feel right now.

I went to my brother's Friday and Saturday. I haven't done an overnight anywhere in over 10 years. It was a lovely night. I played with his cats. I watched bad tv. We ate good food, and I saw Gorge Metro Park in Akron and we went to a gorgeous winery that isn't too far from his home.

If you are ever in Canton, OH, make a point to visit the Gervasi Winery, it is worth it. The food is superb on the Piazza and if its slushie season, get a Fromanza! It will leave you with the warm fuzzies.

But now I'm home and I have that feeling of dissatisfaction again. I want things I can't have. I feel bad about myself because I saw pictures of myself and I'm old, fat and ugly. The feeling fat and ugly started at the winery because everyone was there in their pretty sundresses and I haven't had any pretty clothes in years. I miss pretty clothes and places to wear them.

I miss the calm I had before my mother passed. I'm more anxious now than I ever was, because everything is bottled up now. I have no one to talk me down when the anxiety hits hard. There is no one that understands anymore.

I have a waiting for the other shoe to drop mentality that won't go away, even when things aren't going wrong.

Some days are better than others.

I just wish I could learn to calm down.